Tomorrow Will Be Better

Today sucked, there’s no denying or twisting that. But it did improve and I have good hopes for tomorrow.

I’m going to walk around Pittsburgh, stopping at cafes and bars that catch my fancy, sit and draw or write or whatever I want.

Yes, I am looking forward to my day in Pittsburgh.

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It’s Been a While…

I know it’s been quite some time since my post before last. A lot has happened and a lot is still going on. 

I got another job so now I have two. My first job is a production associate/waitress at Pizza Hut, which has shifting hours so I’m working either in the morning or at night, and my second job is being the third shift cashier at a poorly run truck stop. Sometimes I have to go straight from one job to another. Sometimes my only window of opportunity to sleep is 5 hours, but it’s a 45 minute drive from where I live, so that plus time to get ready is now a three hour window. Maybe three and a half. 

The next bit of news that is very happy and exciting is we finally got a place of our own!! It’s smaller than what we’re used to, but it’s ours and I love it. It’s put us closer to my husband’s job, but further away from mine. So I’m trying to find a job closer to home. We need to look into daycare as well because I either need a full time, $10+ hour job, or continue having two jobs which will continue to suck the life force out of me. 

The hardest thing about having these two jobs is that I don’t have the time or the energy to do the things I enjoy. My blog has been left in the corner gaining dust and cobwebs. My vlog is basically a figment of my imagination now. Drawing, writing, coloring…these are all things I don’t have time or energy for. But these are the things that pull me out of my sadness and self-loathing. 

I’ll go 24+ hours without seeing my kids. Which, honestly, I could handle if my husband, or some non-judgmental person who listens to my instructions, were  watching them, but it’s his mother or grandmother (who hates me). Both woman don’t listen to what I want for my kids. Both think they know what’s best for them more than I do. Both don’t take me seriously as a mother and will find ways to step into my role. 

And both seem to think I’m an idiot.

So I’m trying to find a better job and affordable daycare. It almost feels like an infinite loop of “I can’t do one before doing the other” and it’s annoying as Hell. 

Makes it difficult to enjoy and appreciate my new home. 

Color the Stress Away

I love having adult coloring books and my husband got me a beautiful set of pastel pencils. They’re blend together really nicely, but the smudge really bad so I’ve learned I have to start in the top left corner and work my way to the bottom right corner. 

 

This is the Crowned Stag of House Baratheon from Game of Thrones. 

   

I spent a better part of my day working on this one page. I had to take many breaks to take care of, feed, and play with my boys, but I made sure I kept coming back to this. 

    

This is my favorite picture of my project. I love this half done look. I loved it so much I felt inspired to post it to my Instagram with a message:

  
As I continued to color I felt more and more relaxed. The only stress I felt was trying not to smudge my work. 

  
At this point I had to walk away to pick up my daughter from school which killed me a little because I was so close! But when I returned and got her settled with a snack I was able to finish it. 

  
I still have a lot of room for improvement on shading with color, but I think this looks really good and I’m quite pleased with it. 

;

I hate my life; I do have people and things I love too much to let go. 

I hate my body; I have learned many ways in which I love myself and will continue to find more and improve myself for the better.  

I feel unheard; I will make my actions speak louder than the roar of a thousand lions. 

I feel worthless; I am worth so much more to my family, to my children, alive than dead. 

I feel ashamed of my past and my dark thoughts; no one is perfect and my story has made a huge turnaround from then till now and it can become better still. 

Life is pushing me down; I will push back harder. 

I Could have ended my story; I chose to keep writing. 

The Lioness

A lioness has been showing up in my dreams a lot lately. Sometimes as a nightmare, sometimes as a peaceful dream. She’s often in the background until the very end when she either murders me or nurtures me. 

I wonder what she’s trying to tell me. It’s something conflicting I’m sure. 

One time she ate me alive. I was weak and helpless and she plopped down at my side and began eating. I did nothing to stop her. I could do nothing to stop her. I just watched her and I swear she was crying. It’s really weird watching yourself being eaten, even if it is “only a dream.” 

  
Another time she rescued me from a large, male lion. He was a massive beast and I was offered to him by an unknown group of people who wanted to see me eaten for their enjoyment. He went straight for my throat. I fought so hard, but he sunk his teeth in me. I began acting like I lioness myself, hissing, growling, and clawing at him, but nothing worked until she ran out and saved me. She fought him off and at first he refused to let go, but she was relentless. Finally he let go and I sank my teeth into the bridge of his nose. He stared at me. We stared for a long time, but he finally moved into the shadows. My lioness licked my wounds and would let no other come to me. 

  
I’m positive it’s the same lioness each time. It’s a feeling I get. A feeling of familiarity. I love her. Even in the nightmares where she murders me, I love her. I’m terrified of her and in admiration of her power, but I don’t hate her. I don’t feel anything negative toward her. 

I wish I knew what she was trying to tell me. 

  

Women Unite! No, For Real…

Fret not ladies and gentlemen, this is not a feminazi post. We should all be united, but as I am not a man I can not speak in terms of men. I only know life as a woman and (usually) I enjoy it most days of the month. 

That being said, it’s rough being a woman in this world. I’m not beautiful like a magazine model, I’m not fit, I don’t wear the latest fashions, and quite honestly my preferred style makes others cringe or laugh at me. I’ve been told it’s fit for Halloween, but I shouldn’t try to pull it off any other time of year. 

Most of the criticisms I receive come from other women. Mostly older women because I don’t fall in line with what they view as appropriate, beautiful, or modest. So much time is waisted testing each other down. 

That woman you call a slut, maybe she’s just confident in her body and self worth and enjoys having sex. It’s her life, it’s not your job to decide for her how much sex she should or should not be having. 

That “terrible” mother feeding her kids McDonald’s, at least she’s feeding them something. Maybe she chose to give them a freaking happy meal because she was tired of fighting them to eat their veggies. Maybe she just didn’t want to clean up the mess after their tantrums for just one meal (or two or three). You’re not the ones dealing with her children or her daily struggles so just back off. 

That girl you call a nerd because she’s more interested in books than a social life, maybe those books are her only escape from the Hell she lives through at home. Maybe she’s more interested in expanding her mind rather than keeping up with the Kardashoans and the latest gossip. What she’s doing has no effect on you. 

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. We all have our quirks, our faults, our sins, and our secrets. We all have stories we can learn from and use to help one another. Embrace the differences. Let her live her life. If it has no direct effect on you, leave her be. Be kind to her. Show her compassion and respect. Stop the cattiness. I don’t care who’s younger, older, wiser, educated, prettier, etc. respect each other. Respect yourselves. Build each other up. 

Live. Love. Learn. 

Baby Steps

I can’t even begin to describe exactly how these last couple of months have been for me or how much pain I have caused for those around me and those whom I love dearly. 

It’s been a crazy roller coaster ride, to say the least. A lot of fighting, talking, crying, laughing, and reminiscing. 

My husband no longer hates me, but he is still very mad at me. We are working through it every day. We are doing our best not to play the blame game and to actually resolve our issues rather than sweep them under the rug. It is not easy. It is exhausting, but at the same time my husband and I have been having more meaningful conversations in these last few days than we have in our entire marriage. It feels good to open up and to have him open up so much. 

We’re discovering new parts of ourselves. It’s almost like we’re dating for the first time all over again.  It’s really nice. Once we get to Illinois we’ll actually be able to go out, away from the kids, and do something we can enjoy.  

Life lately has been filled with such consuming darkness with moments of blinding light. Things are finally starting to feel like they’re balancing out. I’m not as afraid to move forward. I’m skittish, but taking baby steps.