I’m Being Haunted… Or Stalked…

I’m messed up! Oh God you guys I messed up bad! I’m currently trapped in my bathroom. I don’t know what to do. There’s only one way in and one way out and I can’t go through it!

This started two days ago. It was late at night. I was up reading my book when nature called. As I was washing my hands I saw, out of the corner of my eye, something move up the wall. I quickly look up and stare into the beady eyes of the Octimonster! I never broke my gaze as I was washing my hands. After I finished up I frantically started thinking of ways to destroy it.

I didn’t want to call my husband because he had a long day at work and was sound asleep, I didn’t want to just walk away because I never would have gone back to sleep, my only option was to eradicate the creep. 

I absolutely can not stand using toilet paper to squash bugs, I physically can’t do it, but I had a squirt bottle of hairspray… I grabbed that bottle and squirt hairspray all over it. It freaked out and fell onto the counter, squirming and writhing, so I doused it some more. 

Like any super villain ever, I was overconfident in my ability to wipe out my enemy and walked away before I could confirm it’s death.

Fast forward to today: I climb out of my relaxing shower to get ready for my day, as I’m wrapping the towel around me I look up and there the bastard is, on the side of the door. I am proud to say I did not panic, however, I turned to grab a Q-tip and when I turned back it disappeared!

Now I’m panicking. Naked. Nothing but a towel. My glasses are in the next room so I’m blind. I’m trying to scrutinize the floor for even the tiniest movement, but it and the floor are about the same color. Where tf did it go?!

UPDATE: I made it out of the bathroom, still have no idea what happened to it, but I’m out. Guys, I’m starting to think I created a vengeful spirit. That might be the Supernatural fan in me talking, but it’s been hours and there’s no sign of it. 

Oh God you guys… What have I done?

What’s in the Box?

Just as I was beginning to think that my arachnophobia was getting better, life had to serve me a big slice of humble pie…

I was at work (Pizza Hut), busy cutting pizzas that were to go to a high school for lunch. I’m barely cutting them faster than they’re spilling out of the oven. After they’re cut I need to slide them in their boxes and get those boxes into delivery bags. I’m on a good streak. I’ve got a good flow going, then it happened.

I flung open a box and as I was sliding a pizza inside my absolute most hated arachnid, the Daddy Longlegs, lost it’s absolute shit and scurried around the box! I screamed bloody murder (and may or may not have peed myself… [I did, but just a little]) and my boss and the new trainee I was training came running. I was pressed against a refrigeration unit just opposite the box when my boss came in. I made a lot of hand gestures and squealing and my boss looked at me as if I were having a seizure. Finally I managed to clearly say, “SPIDER IN THE FUCKING BOX!” Tactful, I know. My boss inspected, found the spider, then proceeded to GRAB IT WITH HIS HAND and kill it. He took a step towards me, to make sure I was ok, and I acted no better than the eight-legged little shit that freaked out on me. I ran away from him with the absolute fear of God gripping my chest.

That’s when I realized I kinda peed a little. We were all laughing, yes, even me because I knew just how ridiculous I was being, but y’all need to understand something; when I see someone has touched a spider with their bare flesh my brain reacts as if that person is now infected with a zombie-spider virus and if they touch me I will also be infected. I know, trust me I know, just how ridiculous that is, but in the moment I am not governed by logic.

It took my boss a couple minutes to reassure me the thing was dead and all was well. We threw away the pizza and I now had an oven on the brink of backing up. My trainee was watching me and noted that I jumped a little every time I opened a box.

I now walk among you, more humble than I was this morning and I will not underestimate the depravity of those eight-legged nightmares every again.

Nothing is sacred.

Nothing.

Scaredy-Mom vs Spider-freaking-zilla 

Today’s Nope of the day features this mutated monstrosity:


I woke up late this morning so I was feeling rather rushed. I had changed my toddler’s diaper, put it in a plastic bag, and asked my daughter to take it to the trash which was at the curb. After a few moments she rushed back in, plastic bag in hand, panting like she just ran down the block. 

“Mom!” She exclaims. “There’s something attached to your car!”

I roll my eyes thinking its a notice from our complex manager saying something about our lawn needing to be trimmed. “What is it?” I ask her. 

“You need to come see for yourself.”

“Honey, just tell me. Is it a piece of paper?”

“No! ….” She pauses as she,apparently relives the horror of what she saw. “It’s a giant spider!!” 

“Shit.” I mumble to myself. My husband is currently on night shift and won’t be home for another hour at this point and I need to get my daughter to school in 20 minutes. I walk outside to see what all the fuss is about, thinking it’s just a wee thing, but it didn’t take me long to discover just how wrong I was. 

 

This beast was huge and it was blocking my escape. Its web was nearly invisible. I couldn’t bring myself to get close enough to see how it was attached and where. I ran back inside and paced my house, trying to think up a game plan. The only thing I could think of was my daughter would be late to school because I wanted nothing to do with that thing. 

As time ticked away, the pressure became heavier and heavier. I didn’t want my daughter to be late and I definitely didn’t want to call her school and have to explain, “Well, you see, ma’am, I can’t bring her to school today because there’s an eight legged assailant hovering over my car.” No matter how I spin it, it’s a tiny beast compared to me and not a legitimate reason for my daughter to miss out on education. 

I muster up all the courage I can manage and march outside to inspect my opponent and figure out my options. I manage to get close enough to see the web and how it’s attached to my car. I now have a plan. 

I gather my kids and carefully get them in the car, then I cautiously creep up to the edge of the web and break some of the threads anchored to my car (btw, the anchors went the entire width of my hood with two anchors attached to the corner of our house). I wanted to break the anchors on my car in the hopes that when I backed out of my driveway, the web would (hopefully) stay intact on the top and the spider would dangle on the side of my house. 

After I broke about three anchors that I could see, the web drooped toward the house, and Spiderzilla was in a tizzy so I bolted to my car and slowly backed out. The web stretched and the damned thing tried to crawl into my car, my fears were coming to fruition, but then the final anchors snapped and the creature was flung into the side of my house. 

I managed to get my daughter to school on time and my kids saw me as a brave hero. It wasn’t until I returned home that I realized I now have a sinister problem; Spiderzilla has disappeared!

I’m sure this story will be continued, but hopefully it will face off against my husband next time. 

Janitor Vs. Spiderzilla

My friend’s night was going to be a challenging one. The warning sign was when a spider dropped down from the ceiling of her car. She managed to bat that one off with a water bottle she had with her. After that she headed to one of her buildings that she had to clean.

She and I both work third shift jobs so we often talk on the phone to help keep each other motivated and awake and this often provides insightful conversation as well as hours of entertainment. This night did not disappoint.

When she reached her building, the door she uses to get in was a spider haven. I heard her utter a horrified, “Oh God..” into the phone, but she trekked forth, braving certain doom. Turns out getting into the building was child’s play. When she swiftly went through the threshold, she was not the only one who entered. When she turned to shut the door she saw a monster run in after her and he dashed into a corner so she could not easily kill him.

This spider was some kind of mutant. A Spiderzilla. My friend is not easily terrified, but this beast made her squeal like a little girl, flapping her arms up and down. I guess she thought she could fly away.… She went about her night, we talked, and she plotted out her plan of attack, but Spiderzilla was no dummy. When she went back to that little corner of Hell the beast was nowhere to be seen. She let out a horrified gasp.

She tried to go about her business, but the next thing I heard was, “Motherfucker! What the fuck… NO! Shit! Dammit dammit no. No no no!” I was thoroughly confused, but she then explained that Spiderzilla had crawled into her trash bin that she had to cart around to gather the trash from that building. Spderzilla fancied a ride with my dear, doomed friend.

When she realized the beast was trapped down there she managed to calm down, but it wouldn’t be long before the next wave of terror came. As she filled up her bin with bag after bag of trash she realized he would soon be able to climb up the bags and reach the top. With each bag she added her level of terror doubled. She would stare at the heap, waiting for him to emerge, but he didn’t show. She threw the final bag into the bin, waited a moment, then turned away to attend to something and when she came back she was staring into the beady eyes of Spiderzilla. He had climbed Trasheverest and he was squaring up to her.


“Shit,” she breathlessly uttered. “I don’t know what to do.” We went over some options and scenarios and since burning the place down couldn’t be one of them, she went for the next best thing: A bottle of stainless steel cleaner.

Weapon at the ready, she poised for the attack, and fast as she could she doused the spawn of Satan in a chemical Hellfire. He writhed and squirmed, his beastly demeanor withering away before her eyes. In his final moments he writhed and fell into the bottom of the bin and the terror was no more. She tied the bag up and swiftly hauled it to the dumpster, thinking her nightmare was finally over…

But when she got back to the door, what could only be the Bride of Spiderzilla awaited her return. Waiting for the door to open. “Son of a bitch!” exclaimed my friend. “I’m done.” Fear no longer ensnared her and she fought the demonling off. The battle belonged to her, but it will be a while yet before the war can be claimed.

The Unwanted Passenger

After a very long shift at work (12 hours as a night shift cashier at a lonely truck stop) I was ready to go home. I finally got to my car and soon I was off. 

I had my window down, smoking my cigarette (yes I know, smoking bad, but thank God I was doing it), and jamming out to my radio when something caught my eye: dropping down from the roof, right over my left forearm, was a writhing, menacing, eight-legged devil and it was getting closer and closer to my arm! I screamed and swerved and tried to focus the majority of my attention on my metal coffin going 80 miles per hour on the highway while also keeping an eye on my intruder. 

It began swaying menacingly and for a moment I thought it would land on my chest. That thought nearly had me in tears and seeing my open window I had a brilliant idea: I began blowing on the spider to try and get it to swing right out the window! Don’t ever do that. Ever. I almost kissed the frog prince wannabe. 

Since that didn’t work I had another brilliant idea: I tried to burn it with my cigarette. Well, it made him go up his little lifeline, but it made him rather frantic and he was swaying even worse. At this point I had three cars pass me, staring at me oblivious to my peril, looking at me as if I were a drunk driver. At this point I realized I was now going 65 miles per hour and probably swerving pretty badly so I was getting ready to safely pull over to the shoulder of the highway when a devine wind reached into my car and swept the little harbinger of evil out my window! 

Filled with relief I resumed normal hellbat speed and shakily finished my cigarette and tried to forget the violation to my personal space. Do you think I could press charges for the psychological damage his entire species causes me?

A Short Story of Motherhood

She got her kids an evening snack consisting of orange slices and grapes (she was quite proud of herself for this). She announced to her children she was going to use the restroom and would be out shortly. 

She closed the door believing she would have two minutes of privacy, but 30 seconds later her three year old son came in saying, “I thought I lost you!”

Exasperated she replied, “Honey, I told you where I would be. Mommy is almost done.”

“Oh,” he seemed to process her words before continuing, “well I need to talk to you.” He sat down and looked up at her expectantly. 

The exhausted mother then tried her best to help the toddler through his concerns with why grapes taste “grapey” and why his sisters orange had one more slice in it than his, all while trying to complete the process of answering nature’s call. 

Privacy is a myth mothers everywhere want to believe exists, but no solid proof has ever been found. 

The end. 

Mommy vs Spider: A Brief, Terrifying Encounter

Yesterday my husband and I stopped to get much needed gas for our car. He pulled up to the pumps and asked me to pump the gas while he goes inside to get a drink. Sure thing. 

I walk around the car and as I approach the pump, to my utter horror, I see a very large, very alien looking spider. I let out a little shriek as I call for my husband. He comes over to inspect and jokingly says, “Awe, it’s just a little guy.” 

Infuriated I correct him. He blows on it to provoke some movement and it stretches it’s legs making it three times larger than how it looked when it was neatly tucked into itself. I cover my eyes and scream, “Are you crazy?! Don’t do that!!” He laughed and told me it wasn’t going to get me. He assured me it wouldn’t move. 

I collected myself, dusted my dignity off, and proceeded to try and pay at the pump. I inch closer, trying to completely ignore the creature. I step between the pump and the car and something brushes against my arm and I threw my dignity into the dirt and went batshit crazy. I ran away like a little kid, screaming, “Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Can’t do it! Sorry, Babe. I can’t.” He chuckled and gave me the keys so I could move the car to another pump. 

Not long after I moved, another car went to the pump with the extra feature and he didn’t bat an eye. Damn you dude who’s capable of rational thinking. He didn’t let it phase him, but that thing that’s hundreds of times smaller than me sent me running. Ugh. 

I filled the car up and left my dignity where I threw it.