Sleepless

Can’t sleep. Exahusted, but unable to just shut down. The weight of the world is pressing me into pulp. What a truly awful world we live in. Every day I see new stories involing babies/children getting beaten, abused, raped, and/or killed. I’m terrified to be living in this world. I’m terrified for my three beautiful children. Those little devils drive me to the very brink of insanity, but may God have mercy on the soul of anyone who hurts them for a monster will be freed from its binds and wreak bloody havoc. Hell will be unleashed on Earth and I will not hold back. I am certain of this. God help me I hope I will never have to prove that.

I see vivid images of the terrible things that have been done to these innocent lives and my mind takes that information and runs with it creating terrible scenarios and making my children the stars of my own personal horror show. My mind loves to make me trapped and helpless during the scenes. This is so much worse than the flashbacks. I can deal with what’s already heen done to me, but I cannot deal with something that hasn’t even happened, but could.

I’m feeling more and more unbalanced as time goes on. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate a memory from an imagined scenario. I’m able to sort them out eventually, but there have been times it’s been difficult. I’ve been trying to gauge my particular level of crazy, but I’m not sure where I stand. All I really know is I’m too close to that brink and I just want to get as far from crazy as possible, but it’s a slippery slope and I’m losing my grip.

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