Keep Moving Forward

If Life has taught me anything, it’s that you can overcome damn-near anything it throws at you. For some of us, Life seems to have an itch that can only be scratched by giving you non-stop crap that overlaps each other and continues on as far as the eye can see. You can have the most positive attitude ever, but that doesn’t solve the situation.

I like to think of my view as realistic rather than pessimistic. The world doesn’t offer much to anyone. You have to go get it. You either steal it or you earn it. Rarely (and I’m speaking as a middle-class, job holding mother and wife) does anyone just hand you anything. If someone offers you help then you just gotta swallow your pride and accept it (if it is, in fact, helpful).

I have been through more than my fair share of shit and the hits keep on coming. My husband and I have been through things that would normally tear two people apart, but we’re still here, together. I’m not entirely sure what keeps me going anymore. A sense of duty perhaps, love, stubbornness…. All of the above I suppose.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t think I’d make it to the age of 25. I am now 29. I’m quickly approaching my 10 year mark of resisting the urge to self harm. That is also something I didn’t think I’d live to see. I have made so many mistakes in my life, in this marriage, my attitude is less than desirable most of the time, but I am trying to be better, to be happy in this life I never saw for myself. A life I never wanted for myself.

Now let me be clear, I never wanted this life because I 1) never saw myself making it this far and 2) was terrified of screwing up my kids and making my husband miserable. But now I have this life, a life I never saw for myself, wanted, or prepared for. I have it and I can’t picture myself being without it, but I don’t know how to be happy with it. I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my hopes and dreams. Ok, maybe “loss” is the wrong word, so let’s say “changes.” I’m not sure how to deal with the changes in my life.

I’ve been trying to do it on my own, but I’m not able to. I’m also not able to afford the help I do need. I’m also not eligible for any state aid/assistance of any kind. So how do I push forward when I have no idea what direction to push or what I can push with?

I have no answers yet, all I know is somehow I will make it to tomorrow. I will keep going, day by day, fighting, searching, and pushing until I find the answer and become whole again.

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