The Cup of Shame

I introduce you to this struggling mother’s shame. It is a large coffee mug (one of my favorites) filled with ice cream (today’s shameful flavor is chocolate chip) which is smothered with both chocolate and strawberry syrup and hot cocoa mix (yes, darlings, powdered cocoa) sprinkled (dumped) on top. 

Fuck my figure, fuck my care, because it feels like my life is going to shit. Bills are overdue, car took a shit on us, money too short, month too long, and marital spice is a bit more on the spicy side and lacking on the zest. My saving grace for the day is the fact that my three kids were good for a majority of the day. Even when I had my ridiculous meltdown because the stupid burger patties were frozen in the middle and refused to pull apart and instead they crumbled so I just threw the damn things on that fryer as I screamed because, fuck, I can’t even cook burgers right!

So I cried and bawled over broken patties and my kids, all three of them, heard my pleas and came rushing to me and hugged me and rubbed my back and told me everything would be ok…. They saw me in a way I wish they never had, but they loved me even in that moment and I thanked them and told them to go play and dinner would be ready soon. 

The truth is, I don’t think everything will be ok. And, frankly, I’m tired of hearing “everything will be ok.” It’s nothing personal to the loved ones who have said that to me, but in this moment nothing feels ok. Let me feel this moment because your words of encouragement do not reach my core. You don’t actually know that everything will be 100% ok. You have faith that my husband and I will figure it out, but you don’t know. 

I’m sure you’re right (you typically are), but I need factual assurance in times like these. Best wishes (while appreciated) don’t help me in the moment of a mental breakdown. I barely hear it. I need to feel my moment of hopelessness thoroughly before I crawl out of that pit (with help or on my own). 

And, darlings, I am feeling it. Every calorie, every ounce of sugar and fat and crap, oh yes. I am feeling all of it and I don’t care if this cup kills me. It’s delicious and it’s filling the cracks in my breaking heart. 

Tomorrow (or possibly Monday because the banks are closed tomorrow) will be better. I’m 75% sure. Which is really good because I’m typically a lot less sure about these kinds of things. Soon I will have solutions, game plans, and a sense of purpose I didn’t give myself before. Yes, changes are coming.

…And possibly another cup of shame because I still feel pretty shitty. 

Absolute Frustration

It’s really a shame how Facebook (or any social media for that matter) can get between family and friends. ¬†When they can express their opinion, but shame on you if you express your own that doesn’t share their view. I’m so sick of people acting like everyone needs to wear kid gloves around them because God forbid you offend them! Or disagree with them. I’m sick of watching someone I love make the same stupid mistakes I made especially when they are being handed more opportunity than I ever got at their age.

I have my own issues I need to deal with and if you want to shut me out, fine, I will let you because it’s one less thing to stress me out (she says knowing full well she’ll continue to have anxiety about this issue until it’s eventually resolved…). I am more than willing to help out those in need to the best of my ability, but I can’t help those who refuse to help themselves.

I fuckin’ love you, you frustrating person you, and I hope that one day you will grow up to realize exactly that. I love you and have tried to be there for you while dealing with my own crap, but I’ve been sitting here, at the ready, hoping that you might actually take a helping hand. I’m angry and hurt, but that does not mean I’ve stopped loving you or stopped caring, but for now, for my own sanity and until you come to some kind of self realization, I’m done.

 

Keep Moving Forward

If Life has taught me anything, it’s that you can overcome damn-near anything it throws at you. For some of us, Life seems to have an itch that can only be scratched by giving you non-stop crap that overlaps each other and continues on as far as the eye can see. You can have the most positive attitude ever, but that doesn’t solve the situation.

I like to think of my view as realistic rather than pessimistic. The world doesn’t offer much to anyone. You have to go get it. You either steal it or you earn it. Rarely (and I’m speaking as a middle-class, job holding mother and wife) does anyone just hand you anything. If someone offers you help then you just gotta swallow your pride and accept it (if it is, in fact, helpful).

I have been through more than my fair share of shit and the hits keep on coming. My husband and I have been through things that would normally tear two people apart, but we’re still here, together. I’m not entirely sure what keeps me going anymore. A sense of duty perhaps, love, stubbornness…. All of the above I suppose.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t think I’d make it to the age of 25. I am now 29. I’m quickly approaching my 10 year mark of resisting the urge to self harm. That is also something I didn’t think I’d live to see. I have made so many mistakes in my life, in this marriage, my attitude is less than desirable most of the time, but I am trying to be better, to be happy in this life I never saw for myself. A life I never wanted for myself.

Now let me be clear, I never wanted this life because I 1) never saw myself making it this far and 2) was terrified of screwing up my kids and making my husband miserable. But now I have this life, a life I never saw for myself, wanted, or prepared for. I have it and I can’t picture myself being without it, but I don’t know how to be happy with it. I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my hopes and dreams. Ok, maybe “loss” is the wrong word, so let’s say “changes.” I’m not sure how to deal with the changes in my life.

I’ve been trying to do it on my own, but I’m not able to. I’m also not able to afford the help I do need. I’m also not eligible for any state aid/assistance of any kind. So how do I push forward when I have no idea what direction to push or what I can push with?

I have no answers yet, all I know is somehow I will make it to tomorrow. I will keep going, day by day, fighting, searching, and pushing until I find the answer and become whole again.