I Earned a Parenting Merit Badge I Didn’t Know Existed!

Dinner was served and baths were given. My long day was finally coming to a close.


My daughter called to me. She told me her little brother had stuck a bead in her ear. What the fuck? I think to myself. I then ask her why the heck she held still long enough for him to do that. “I dunno” was her response.

Now, I’ve dealt with cat food up a toddler’s nose. That was relatively simple. My husband was home so he held her head still while I got it out with a pair of tweezers, but this bead was a completely new ballgame and my husband is away at work. It wasn’t very large, it looked like a pearl with a tiny hole for the string. I used my cellphone light to shine in her ear so I could see and I caught a glimpse of it. It was WAY back there.

I call up my Solemate (yes, solemate), and tell her my situation. She gave me some good ideas. First she asked if I had one of those nose suckers you get from the hospital when you have a baby. Nope, a couple months back I got rid of virtually all of my infant supplies. Then she asked if I had a turkey baster. LOL NOPE, I sure don’t! Okay, then she asked if I had a straw. Bitch, please, I have three kids, you best believe I got bendy straws lol. So she tells me to have my daughter put the beaded ear facing down while I put the straw in her ear and suck…..

Um, excuse me, wha??? But what if the bead goes through the straw and down my throat? That’s freaking motherhood for ya!

Ugh, so I collected myself and did exactly that. Now, my daughter was just in the bath and her ears were pretty clean, but there’s always gonna be some earwax in there. Well, I sucked through the straw, trying like hell to get that bead out, but that little bastard would not pass through the ear canal. It was slightly too big to just roll out and I couldn’t suck long enough or hard enough to get it passed. I’m not a freaking Hoover.

At this point I was getting light headed and tired of earwax making me gag. This was simply not working. The bead was closer now, but there was no room for me to maneuver tweezers around it. However, I could see the tiny hole that the string goes through. So, I grabbed a toothpick and tried to get it through the hole, but it only pushed the damned thing further in!

My friend asks if I have anything sticky, like gum. I look at my husband’s nightstand and see a pack of gum, but it’s freaking empty! Good God man! Then she asks if I have any glue. Haha! I knew I did somewhere, but my husband recently cleaned up the house for my surprise birthday party and now I don’t have a fucking clue where anything is at! Then she asked if I had peanut butter…. Yep, I have that. So I grabbed a Q-tip, put a little dab of peanut butter on there and stuck that in her ear. I’m really glad I went with the peanut butter and not the honey because I think the honey would have made it even worse. The peanut butter didn’t work, by the way, so I went back to the straw.

I’m beginning to become more panicked at this point because I can’t get this little bastard out and I can’t afford the copay for an ER visit (thanks Obamacare) so she offers to  come to my house with the necessary supplies. She lives a good 20-30 minutes away and I didn’t want her to come out if there was another way I could do this. So I told her to hang on, I wanted to call my mother first and if she couldn’t help then I would call her back asking her to bring the calvary lol.

So I call my mom. She, being a mother of five kids and being the second oldest child of eight kids, would probably have the most experience in dealing with something like this. Welp, as much as I love my mom, she wasn’t sure what to do with my lack of items. If I had even one of the items she mentioned then I wouldn’t have had an issue. But life likes to fuck with you sometimes.

I call my friend back and ask her to come over. I also started venting about how I couldn’t find anything. Like how I found my glue sticks for my hot glue gun, but I couldn’t find the damn gun, if I could just find the gun then I could warm up the glue and try using that. Then my friend asks about my glue sticks. I tell her their the hot glue stick for the hot glue gun, not the Elmer’s glue sticks. She then smartly asks why I don’t just warm up the glue sticks with a lighter….?

Good grief. Why, WHY did I not think of that?

So I did just that. I melted a bit of the glue stick with a lighter, take a Q-tip and get just a little dab on there and my daughter starts to lose her shit. She did not want hot glue in her ear (can’t really blame her, that would freak me out too if I didn’t have any context to go along with that) so I calmly explained to her that she would not feel it, I wasn’t pouring the glue in her ear, I just needed a little bit so it would stick to the bead and I could pull it out.

I slowly inserted the Q-tip, she was on the verge of tears until she realized she couldn’t feel the glue, I held it in place for a bit then pulled it out, but was fruitless. I tried again, the glue was still warm, so I held it there longer. I was a little panicked because it pushed the bead back further, but I held it there. Finally, I pulled on it and the bead was coming with it so I kept pulling and out the little fucker came!

I have never been so happy to see a freakin bead! There was a point where I apparently forgot to breathe because I ended up gasping as it came out and I became a little light headed. My friend and I celebrated this victory and I realized I passed a rite of passaged I never knew existed. This is not the kind of shit they teach you about in the hospital or lamaze classes (not that I would know about that because I never went to a lamaze class).

Honestly though, is anyone working on a parenting manual? Somebody should really jump on that because some of us are really struggling here!


People Watching Challenge

One of my favorite blogs, A Momma’s View, recently wrote about People Watching (a hobby I too enjoy) and left a photo at the end challenging her readers to write a story about it. So, here I go:

An English lad was returning home from a small game hunt in the woods. He managed to grab a squirrel and a couple plump rabbits. He was happy as this catch would provide a better meal than the previous night’s, which was barely more than boiled water.

He was barely out of the woods, going over a small hill, when he saw five horses he did not recognize standing outside his home. Fear pumped through his veins as he thought of his mother and two young sisters inside with strange, probably violent, men.

He squat down amongst some foliage to survey the area and try to get a better feel for the situation. Suddenly he heard a scream from within. He had no time to think. He grabbed his skinning knife (which had become dull, but he’d have to make it work) and went around to a small window that he’d more than likely be able to sneak into, unnoticed.

He practically dove through the window and pressed himself against the wall peering around it and seeing only four large, cloaked figures stomping on the ground. His blood boiled and he silently charged, stabbing one in the calf and held the blade to another’s throat. “Back away!” He spat. The man he stabbed was wincing in pain, two were on either side of their fallen friend, staring at the young man, bewildered, he had a knife to the fourth…where was the fifth? “Where is he?” The young man yelled in panic as he darted his head back and fourth desperately searching for the fifth man.

“There is no fifth.” Said the man he held a blade to in a rather bored, yet slightly amused, tone.

“But…I saw..”

“A fifth horse?” Grunted the man he stabbed as he was helped to his feet. “That horse is for you, boy.” He winced as he put weight on his foot. The man looked gruff and angry, but after a moment burst into laughter and soon the other men shared in his amusement. The young man looked around, baffled.

A noise behind him made him turn which allowed the man he had a hold off to slip away and stand with his comrades. He saw his mother entering the room with his sisters following closely. “Mother!” He declared as he ran to embrace her.

“Edward, wha-” she looked at his bloody knife and scanned the room spying the man favoring one leg. “What have you done?” Edward stopped hugging his mother and looked at her, perplexed.

“What do you mean? I’m rescuing youm and my sisters.” The men began laughing again and his mother looked at him endearingly.

“Oh sweet Edward, we were never in danger.” She placed her hands on his face and smiled at him.

“But I heard screaming…” he was thouroughly confused.

“Your sister, Addy, knocked a candle over and the mat caught fire very quickly. I was startled.” Edward contemplated her words then details began to become clearer in his head. Thinking back now he recalled smelling burning straw and that’s probably why he saw the four men stomping on the ground. Fear began to release its hold on him and he turned back to the men. All four began to boom with laughter.

“Sir, I am so sorry about your leg. I thought…. I thought you were here to…to…”

“It’s ok, son. You came in to protect your family. It’s a minor wound, really. It’ll heal quick enough. But that fearlessness and selflessness is exactly why we’re here. You are your father’s son in nearly every way. He was a great and noble knight and I’m sure you’ll be just as great, if not greater, than he.”

“A knight? You want me to be a knight?” Edward was shocked and elated. He turned to his mother and looked at her with both joy and fear.

“It’s wonderful, isn’t it?” She gave her son an assuring nod. “We’ve talked over the details already. You will ride ahead with them. I need to settle a few things here and then your sisters and I will join you in the kingdom.” Edward sighed with relief. His prayers had been answered.

What he thought was going to turn out to be a terrible day had quickly become the best day of his life.