As I write this it’s nearly 3am and I’ve given up the idea of sleep since I have to be awake in three hours. I’m feeling consumed by my emotions. I see and feel art in nearly everything. I’m simultaneously overjoyed and deeply saddened, both to the point of tears. It’s making me lose hold on reality.
I need to work tomorrow morning and this weekend I get to look forward to two double shifts. While I need the hours and I am willing and able to work them, double shifts are an emotional breaker. Moreso than a physical one.
Now, as much as I understand my responsibilities and what’s expected of me, I can’t shake the overwhelming desire to scream like a wild animal, run for the hills, and demolish anyone that gets in my way.
I’m tired of trying to run away from my life, but I’m also tired of fighting to live when all I want to do is crawl into the earth and never resurface.
Some days I can’t seem to be able to handle the simplest of tasks like getting out of bed or eating let alone going to work or caring for my family. These last couple of days have been exactly like that. I can’t stand moving or dealing with screaming, needy children or a husband begging for affection.
The thought of going to work tomorrow and serving customers makes my skin crawl. I’m tired of serving ungrateful people who seem to forget that my coworkers and I are people too.
I’m so tired of this madness. Literal insanity. Taking hold of me, ripping my being to shreds, yet leaving no outward trace. My composure is too great (thank you military) to let just anyone know of my suffering.
I know, I know, sounds like a bunch of whining. Maybe it is. I don’t fuckin care. Half of you readers probably stopped reading a while ago. I wish I could say I don’t fuckin care, but I do. I care. I’m well aware of the fact that I don’t shower many deserving blogs with likes and comments, but sometimes it’s hard for me to read about the joy/success of other when I feel like a broken down, beat up loser.
I am trying so hard to change, I just don’t know how to while I’m in my current frame of mind.