Scaredy-Mom vs Spider-freaking-zilla 

Today’s Nope of the day features this mutated monstrosity:


I woke up late this morning so I was feeling rather rushed. I had changed my toddler’s diaper, put it in a plastic bag, and asked my daughter to take it to the trash which was at the curb. After a few moments she rushed back in, plastic bag in hand, panting like she just ran down the block. 

“Mom!” She exclaims. “There’s something attached to your car!”

I roll my eyes thinking its a notice from our complex manager saying something about our lawn needing to be trimmed. “What is it?” I ask her. 

“You need to come see for yourself.”

“Honey, just tell me. Is it a piece of paper?”

“No! ….” She pauses as she,apparently relives the horror of what she saw. “It’s a giant spider!!” 

“Shit.” I mumble to myself. My husband is currently on night shift and won’t be home for another hour at this point and I need to get my daughter to school in 20 minutes. I walk outside to see what all the fuss is about, thinking it’s just a wee thing, but it didn’t take me long to discover just how wrong I was. 

 

This beast was huge and it was blocking my escape. Its web was nearly invisible. I couldn’t bring myself to get close enough to see how it was attached and where. I ran back inside and paced my house, trying to think up a game plan. The only thing I could think of was my daughter would be late to school because I wanted nothing to do with that thing. 

As time ticked away, the pressure became heavier and heavier. I didn’t want my daughter to be late and I definitely didn’t want to call her school and have to explain, “Well, you see, ma’am, I can’t bring her to school today because there’s an eight legged assailant hovering over my car.” No matter how I spin it, it’s a tiny beast compared to me and not a legitimate reason for my daughter to miss out on education. 

I muster up all the courage I can manage and march outside to inspect my opponent and figure out my options. I manage to get close enough to see the web and how it’s attached to my car. I now have a plan. 

I gather my kids and carefully get them in the car, then I cautiously creep up to the edge of the web and break some of the threads anchored to my car (btw, the anchors went the entire width of my hood with two anchors attached to the corner of our house). I wanted to break the anchors on my car in the hopes that when I backed out of my driveway, the web would (hopefully) stay intact on the top and the spider would dangle on the side of my house. 

After I broke about three anchors that I could see, the web drooped toward the house, and Spiderzilla was in a tizzy so I bolted to my car and slowly backed out. The web stretched and the damned thing tried to crawl into my car, my fears were coming to fruition, but then the final anchors snapped and the creature was flung into the side of my house. 

I managed to get my daughter to school on time and my kids saw me as a brave hero. It wasn’t until I returned home that I realized I now have a sinister problem; Spiderzilla has disappeared!

I’m sure this story will be continued, but hopefully it will face off against my husband next time. 

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