Feeling Crushed

For those of you who know me or have read through enough of my blogs, it comes as no surprise that I am a sad, angry, and generally miserable human being. This does not make me a bad person even though I feel like I am, in fact, a monster. 

I am keenly aware of my complaining, whining, and other annoying behaviors. Honestly, I feel like my life is one shit show after another. I feel as though the universe in completely against me. I’m wounded (emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually) and in tremendous pain. I know I’m not isolated in my feelings and situation, but I feel very alone. I can think rationally, but my mind gets overpowered by illogical thoughts no matter how hard I fight. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in. 

Everything feels like one long nightmare. I’m trying to make positive changes, but I feel like every effort is thwarted by unseen forces. And that’s not an excuse. It is exactly how I feel. I’m not some angsty teen anymore, I’m a struggling, broken woman trying to hold it together even though I don’t feel like trying anymore, but some part of me still fights on. 

I feel hopeless. I’m running out of fight and I want to give up, I really do, but I can’t seem to give up. No. Actually I don’t want to give up, I want to want to give up. Part of me wishes I could. I can’t bear the thought of leaving anyone behind. 

The point I’m trying to make here is I’m struggling. Tremendously. I am fighting a battle no one can see, hear, or feel, but it is a very real fight. Unfortunately these battles come with some nasty side effects:

  • Misplaced emotional outbursts
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Erratic behavior
  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Nightmares
  • Isolating self 
  • Pushing loved ones out

Just to name a few. These are specific to me, but that does not mean someone you know isn’t suffering the same symptoms. 

I’m sick of this world. I’m sick of the nastiness people inflict on one another. There seems to be no peace anywhere anymore. I try to be a positive impact, but I feel crushed by the darkness. 

One day I hope I can achieve true happiness and inner peace. I hope I can look back to this time in my life and remember it as a distant nightmare. But, for now, I push on to fight another day. 


Janitor Vs. Spiderzilla

My friend’s night was going to be a challenging one. The warning sign was when a spider dropped down from the ceiling of her car. She managed to bat that one off with a water bottle she had with her. After that she headed to one of her buildings that she had to clean.

She and I both work third shift jobs so we often talk on the phone to help keep each other motivated and awake and this often provides insightful conversation as well as hours of entertainment. This night did not disappoint.

When she reached her building, the door she uses to get in was a spider haven. I heard her utter a horrified, “Oh God..” into the phone, but she trekked forth, braving certain doom. Turns out getting into the building was child’s play. When she swiftly went through the threshold, she was not the only one who entered. When she turned to shut the door she saw a monster run in after her and he dashed into a corner so she could not easily kill him.

This spider was some kind of mutant. A Spiderzilla. My friend is not easily terrified, but this beast made her squeal like a little girl, flapping her arms up and down. I guess she thought she could fly away.… She went about her night, we talked, and she plotted out her plan of attack, but Spiderzilla was no dummy. When she went back to that little corner of Hell the beast was nowhere to be seen. She let out a horrified gasp.

She tried to go about her business, but the next thing I heard was, “Motherfucker! What the fuck… NO! Shit! Dammit dammit no. No no no!” I was thoroughly confused, but she then explained that Spiderzilla had crawled into her trash bin that she had to cart around to gather the trash from that building. Spderzilla fancied a ride with my dear, doomed friend.

When she realized the beast was trapped down there she managed to calm down, but it wouldn’t be long before the next wave of terror came. As she filled up her bin with bag after bag of trash she realized he would soon be able to climb up the bags and reach the top. With each bag she added her level of terror doubled. She would stare at the heap, waiting for him to emerge, but he didn’t show. She threw the final bag into the bin, waited a moment, then turned away to attend to something and when she came back she was staring into the beady eyes of Spiderzilla. He had climbed Trasheverest and he was squaring up to her.

“Shit,” she breathlessly uttered. “I don’t know what to do.” We went over some options and scenarios and since burning the place down couldn’t be one of them, she went for the next best thing: A bottle of stainless steel cleaner.

Weapon at the ready, she poised for the attack, and fast as she could she doused the spawn of Satan in a chemical Hellfire. He writhed and squirmed, his beastly demeanor withering away before her eyes. In his final moments he writhed and fell into the bottom of the bin and the terror was no more. She tied the bag up and swiftly hauled it to the dumpster, thinking her nightmare was finally over…

But when she got back to the door, what could only be the Bride of Spiderzilla awaited her return. Waiting for the door to open. “Son of a bitch!” exclaimed my friend. “I’m done.” Fear no longer ensnared her and she fought the demonling off. The battle belonged to her, but it will be a while yet before the war can be claimed.

Tomorrow Will Be Better

Today sucked, there’s no denying or twisting that. But it did improve and I have good hopes for tomorrow.

I’m going to walk around Pittsburgh, stopping at cafes and bars that catch my fancy, sit and draw or write or whatever I want.

Yes, I am looking forward to my day in Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh Panic

The husband thought it would be a great idea to bring me along to Pittsburgh while he and his buddies attend a yugioh tournament. It sounded good in theory: No work, no kids, ample time to discover treasures and experiences in a new place….

But things took a terrible turn. I assumed (I know, I know, never assume) that the hotel would be close to the convention center, I figured I would be able to check in when we got into the city, and I figured I’d be able to shower and change my clothes and go walking around while they did they’re shit. That would have been totally fine, except that’s not at all how things went down.

First of all the hotel is 20 min away via the highway, then, come to find out, check in isn’t until 3pm and we got here at 9:30am, and I had to drop them all off and figure shit out for myself in a large city I know nothing about. I had a panic attack while I was driving and I ended up and a seriously sketchy part of the city. I sat and cried for at least 30 min. Oh, and the best part, when I realized I was getting abandoned I got pissed and emotional (needless to say) and refused to give my husband a kiss, which then made him mad, which made me more mad, which made me cry, so I ended up driving off, crying, scared, emotional, and got myself ridiculously lost. Thank GOD for GPS. Honestly.

I ended up calling my mom, crying to her until I felt better and started thinking clearly, then I decided to come back to the convention center, paid 13 fucking dollars for parking, and now I’m sitting in the lobby, on the floor, writing this, right outside to doors of the area he’s in, like a pathetic fucking loser. I haven’t showered, I feel disgusting after riding in a car full of boys for 12 hours, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got horrid raccoon eyes from remnants of my eyeliner melting from my tears onto my face.

This is NOT how I expected this to go. This is exactly why I don’t get excited about anything. I was trying hard to get excited about this trip, now all I want to do is go home and stay in bed.


Please, Stay Home for the Holidays

Quit going out to eat on the holidays. I’m livid right now so I’m going to try my best to be civil. 

People who go out to eat on holidays (a.k.a. Holiday Eaters) are the reason my coworkers and myself aren’t able to spend time with our own families. When you decide your comfort is more important than the human beings who are busting their asses off at their job for you, don’t expect me to give a shit about how I present myself when I’ve got an oven backed up for miles, frustrated managers, and a frazzled waitress. 

We were sorely understaffed tonight and I lost my shit. All I could think of was how I was missing out on seeing fireworks with my kids because there is a demand that “needs” to be met. Demands brought about because of Holiday Eaters. 

If you Holiday Eaters would just stay home then maybe Corporate America would see no profit could be made from staying open and maybe, just maybe, those of us who work these sad jobs can actually be home with our families. 

I recognize that is an unrealistic dream, so how about we (you Holiday Eaters and I) come to an understanding and a compromise; your very presence/phone call puts you on my shit list. I will be polite, but it’s only because it’s my job. I’m not actually happy about serving you. So, what you need to do is have an abundance of patience and be nothing short saintly while you’re being served. I’m talking sweeter than molasses covered in sugar topped with chocolate sprinkles. 

Understand this: YOU are an inconvenience. YOU are the problem. Your demands broke me this evening and I lost my professionalism. Something I’ve always prided myself on. So, I guess my point is this: as long as you remain kind, calm, and patient it will be that much easier for me to serve you as quickly and courteously as possible. 
Please remember that those of us in the service industry are people too. People with families. We are human beings and we are not perfect. Keep that in mind while you’re inconveniencing us.