For those of you who know me or have read through enough of my blogs, it comes as no surprise that I am a sad, angry, and generally miserable human being. This does not make me a bad person even though I feel like I am, in fact, a monster.
I am keenly aware of my complaining, whining, and other annoying behaviors. Honestly, I feel like my life is one shit show after another. I feel as though the universe in completely against me. I’m wounded (emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually) and in tremendous pain. I know I’m not isolated in my feelings and situation, but I feel very alone. I can think rationally, but my mind gets overpowered by illogical thoughts no matter how hard I fight. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in.
Everything feels like one long nightmare. I’m trying to make positive changes, but I feel like every effort is thwarted by unseen forces. And that’s not an excuse. It is exactly how I feel. I’m not some angsty teen anymore, I’m a struggling, broken woman trying to hold it together even though I don’t feel like trying anymore, but some part of me still fights on.
I feel hopeless. I’m running out of fight and I want to give up, I really do, but I can’t seem to give up. No. Actually I don’t want to give up, I want to want to give up. Part of me wishes I could. I can’t bear the thought of leaving anyone behind.
The point I’m trying to make here is I’m struggling. Tremendously. I am fighting a battle no one can see, hear, or feel, but it is a very real fight. Unfortunately these battles come with some nasty side effects:
- Misplaced emotional outbursts
- Erratic behavior
- Difficulty sleeping
- Isolating self
- Pushing loved ones out
Just to name a few. These are specific to me, but that does not mean someone you know isn’t suffering the same symptoms.
I’m sick of this world. I’m sick of the nastiness people inflict on one another. There seems to be no peace anywhere anymore. I try to be a positive impact, but I feel crushed by the darkness.
One day I hope I can achieve true happiness and inner peace. I hope I can look back to this time in my life and remember it as a distant nightmare. But, for now, I push on to fight another day.