I’m trying so hard to be happy. I have brief moments of success and I’m happy, smiling, and laughing. They are so short lived. Soon I am dragged back down into my abyss. I know I don’t belong here, but I feel like I do. It’s my home. My miserable comfort zone.
Tonight I can’t relax. Every time I close my eyes I see monsters. Piercing, red eyes, vicious, razor sharp claws, saliva covered, gnashing teeth… They are all waiting just around the corner to consume me. My heart may explode tonight. I can’t keep it at a resting pace.
I feel like I’m on the verge of drowning. I’m barely able to keep my nose above water. I’m panicking and trying to get air all why trying to keep up the appearance that I’m not in fact drowning. How do I tell you that my mind is fraying when my composure won’t allow me to show you what’s really going on?
This is deeper than a change of perspective or a positive mindset. I’m actually a very hopeful person and have too much faith in humanity. That’s why I’m dying inside. I see the good in so many bad people. I see the potential in so many including myself.
But my mind works against me. It twists every positive thought and turns my hopes and dreams into my worst nightmares.
I know what I want, what I think will make me happy, but I don’t know if it will actually make me happy. And even if it does make me happy it will hurt my loved ones. I can’t keep being stuck in the middle of my family, friends, and my own self.