Something You Should Know About Me Before You Judge Me

First and foremost, I love my husband and my children. Second, what I say here may paint my husband in a bad light, but it is not my intention. My husband is a good man, but he is human and makes mistakes. His good intentions can be misguided at times, but he is a good man and he cares very deeply about our kids and myself. 

That being said, I need to vent about the fact that I’m being judged for my short temper with my three kids that I chose to have. 

Growing up I made the decision that I never wanted to have kids. I am the oldest of five kids, nearly eight years older than the second born, and I learned very quickly that motherhood is not for me. I’m not patient enough. Screaming and crying children make my skin crawl. 

When I became pregnant with my first child, my daughter, my husband (then fiancĂ©) and I were practicing safe sex, but the condom broke. I was 21. 

Before I became pregnant with my second child, my first son, my husband pressured me into having another child. He and I weren’t doing so well in our relationship, but he and I had talked in the past about children and I had (foolishly) mentioned to him that if I ever had kids I would not want an only child or a middle child. My husband used my past words against me and bullied me into having another kid. It didn’t take long before I became pregnant. I was 24. 

Immediately after giving birth to my son I was fighting doctors to get my tubes tied. No one wanted to do it because I was under 30, I “only” had two kids, and my pregnancies weren’t high risk. I told my husband I was not comfortable having sex until I was on some kind of birth control. Well, he and I were still rocky, becoming evermore distant, sex was our only form of intimacy, and so I felt pressured and obligated to fulfill my wifely duties. As a result,  despite (yet again) having protected sex, when my son was only six months old I became pregnant with my third child, second son. I was 26. 

I could have “chosen” abortion, but it is not the kids’ fault I didn’t have enough of a spine to stand up for myself. For me, abortion is not an option. I would not want to put myself through the psychological turmoil I am 99.9% positive I would go through. 

The fact of the matter is I know I’m not a good mother, I know I lack a lot of things, but being told I “should have thought of that before having kids” will make me want to be a very violent person. Because the fact of the matter is I did think about these things before having kids. I tried to prevent having children, but life has a funny way of fucking you over. 

I get so angry and ashamed for being able to easily become pregnant when I deserve to be sterile because of all the wonderful women who should be able and deserve to be able to have children. I become angry and ashamed when I take for granted the thing they desire most. It’s not fair. It’s not right. I wish I could change it. 

Part of my worst struggle is knowing I’m no good for my kids, but I can’t stand the thought of living without them. I hope one day they will understand I’ve always loved them, I’m just not good at being a good mother. 

Midnight Fracturing

I’m trying so hard to be happy. I have brief moments of success and I’m happy, smiling, and laughing. They are so short lived. Soon I am dragged back down into my abyss. I know I don’t belong here, but I feel like I do. It’s my home. My miserable comfort zone. 

Tonight I can’t relax. Every time I close my eyes I see monsters. Piercing, red eyes, vicious, razor sharp claws, saliva covered, gnashing teeth… They are all waiting just around the corner to consume me. My heart may explode tonight. I can’t keep it at a resting pace. 

I feel like I’m on the verge of drowning. I’m barely able to keep my nose above water. I’m panicking and trying to get air all why trying to keep up the appearance that I’m not in fact drowning. How do I tell you that my mind is fraying when my composure won’t allow me to show you what’s really going on?

This is deeper than a change of perspective or a positive mindset. I’m actually a very hopeful person and have too much faith in humanity. That’s why I’m dying inside. I see the good in so many bad people. I see the potential in so many including myself. 

But my mind works against me. It twists every positive thought and turns my hopes and dreams into my worst nightmares. 

I know what I want, what I think will make me happy, but I don’t know if it will actually make me happy. And even if it does make me happy it will hurt my loved ones. I can’t keep being stuck in the middle of my family, friends, and my own self.