Having anxiety sucks. Managing it is exhausting and it often gets in the way of what would normally be a simple task.
For example, I donate plasma regularly, however my anxiety makes it difficult because it sends my pulse racing for no reason and when I get my vitals taken my pulse is too high so I’m unable to donate that day. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders when it comes to donating because sometimes the money I get from it is our next meal or diapers for my sons. If I can’t get it then we’re jumping through hoops and sacrificing that much more.
Anxiety also makes being in public difficult. Large crowds, close proximity to strangers…no thanks. I’d rather stay home, in my pjs, talking to people on the Internet. I once left a coffee shop because a male stranger made polite conversation with me. He wasn’t threatening in any way, but it was later in the evening and I was alone and everything began feeling sinister and I high-tailed it out of there ASAP.
My anxiety has me expecting the worst possible scenario during the most mundane activities. I long to get away from my kids for just a few hours to enjoy a nice coffee shoppe or something new, but I can’t even enjoy myself because almost the instant I leave I envision the worst happening to my kids. Then when I come home and see everything is totally fine I get so mad because I couldn’t actually enjoy my time away and I more than likely cut my trip short for no reason.
Anxiety can also manifest itself as a copious amount of energy. Last week at work I worked a double shift and inbetween my scheduled shifts I tried to donate. It didn’t work. When I returned to work I was moving and speaking quickly and acting kinda goofy, joking around more than usual and just being not quite my normal self. This may not sound like a problem, but I felt as though I was not in control of myself. I felt off balance and jumpy. I said some things (not mean things, just stuff not appropriate for the work place) and after I said them I seemed fine on the outside, laughing and brushing it off like no big deal, but inside I was screaming in terror, beating myself up for my stupidity, but it was like I was watching myself from the outside and unable to do anything to stop myself.
It may seem like I was just having a good time, but when you’re not in control of yourself it’s a nightmare.
Anxiety has kept me indoors and isolated. It is a constant battle and I believe it is the reason I’m always tired regardless of how much sleep I get.