I wish I was a kid again so I could hug my mommy and daddy and believe that everything will be ok because they will keep me safe. I know that may sound ridiculous coming from a grown woman with children of her own, but that’s why it sucks being broken as an adult. I long to go back to adolescence so I can fix what broke, but it’s impossible.
My biological father was in and out of the picture until I was about 13 when he went to prison. I don’t think he sent me any letters. If he did I threw them away. By 21 he was out of prison and he slowly started trying to rebuild some kind of relationship. By 22 I had my daughter whom he met. He came to her second birthday. Then he dropped off the face of the Earth. Again. I tried to find him, but instead I was contacted by a woman who said he tried to hook up with her before he disappeared on her. I had been searching for over a year at that point, but he disappeared on her only two weeks prior to her contacting me. I have very little love in my heart and absolutely no loyalty for him.
My stepdad came into the picture when I was barely a toddler. I was told he and I used to have a good relationship, but my first memory of him set the tone for our future. I was three maybe four, I was ready for bed and I went to give him a hug and kiss goodnight, but he turned his head and pushed me away. The feeling of neglect and abandonment from my father figure only grew once my sister arrived. It was very clear she was his daughter and I was not. When my other siblings arrived I was just a waste of space.
I’ll admit I despised my siblings at first, but when I saw that his own flesh and blood was not spared from his horrid temper, my heart softened. Still, they all lived a very different life from myself. I never felt Daddy’s love. I still don’t know what it feels like.
My teenage years were spent thinking other men would give me the love I needed and wanted so desperately. If I were pretty and thin then I could get a handsome boyfriend and he would love me and I would finally be happy. Needless to say, that led me down an awful path.
My mother did her very best. She loved all of her children (she still does), but the man she married after my father was/ a selfish, lazy, unambitious ass. She worked her ass of while he stayed home and claimed disability until it ran dry even though he was not as injured as he wanted others to believe. When he finally got a job it was one that was simple, made decent money, but he’d often call out. He has no idea how to be a responsible adult. He never sacrificed a damn thing and my mother sacrificed so much. Now she left him and my siblings think she is the bad guy and that their daddy is just super. It disgusts me. That man has caused me so much pain and misery. He has mentally and emotionally damaged me beyond repair, but he’s the one whose looked at as if he’s a victim and someone to be pitied and protected. Pathetic.
My mother is now married to a great man, but it’s too late for me to fully appreciate it. It’s too late for me to call him “Daddy” and hug him and feel safe. I love him as the man who loves and married my mother, but I will most likely never call him “Dad.”
My biological father abandoned me (twice), my stepdad never loved me (at least not when it really mattered), and my current stepdad came into the picture two decades too late.
Now it’s up to me to fix what other people broke. I just want to be held and protected. I want the little girl that dwells deep within me to be healed.
I’m so angry, afraid, wounded, and broken and I am unable to comfort my own children when they are sad. I am unable to keep my cool when they throw fits. I am passing on the destructive habits my stepdad passed to me. I don’t have the strength to keep fighting my own self every day. I need help, but now I have no insurance and I can’t afford the help I need.
Being a broken adult sucks because no one can fix you the way you wish they could. It’s up to you to pick yourself up even on the days you need to be and wish to be carried.