A Moment of Peace

I feel the wave of crazy subsiding. I feel the haze melting away and I’m able to see things more clearly even when it’s at a bit of a distance. 

I’m not in the clear. I continuously make the mistake of becoming to relaxed when the crazy goes away. I tell myself I’m fine now and go about my daily life, not seeking help, and then another wave hits and I never seek out help during those episodes. Well, I’m not going to do that again. I can’t keep doing this, these waves of insanity, fighting my own self, alone. I’ve been doing it for 15+ years. I’m too tired to go another year. It will kill me. 

What happens to me during these insanity waves is I become convinced I’m a filthy whore whose only purpose on this earth is to be used by others. It’s been my role many, many times and a part of me learned to enjoy it. So when these waves hit I have a very strong and sometimes overpowering urge to seek out people that will use me or situations that will lead me to those kinds of people. I love the broken things in this world and I want to bring them happiness when no one else will. Again, it’s a role I’ve been given numerous times. 

I’m also a naturally fickle person and I bore easily. That combined with the feeling I’m a worthless wench drives me to run away, push away those I love, and just be alone. I fight very hard to appear as normal as possible, to keep my craziness contained in a neat little box, but it eats away at me and leaves me as an empty shell. 

I beg for my mind to finally snap, I beg to legitimately go insane so I don’t fight it anymore. I wish I could just let go of it all, but a small part of me finds a way to barely hold it together long enough for me to make it through another wave. It’s exhausting. 

I seclude myself (or at least I try my best to) so I won’t be tempted to seek out trouble. That’s usually when I lay in bed and watch YouTube videos. Not the happy ones either. I watch conspiracy theories, documentaries about Suicide Forest or just suicide in general, videos on serial killers, and (more recently) the Deep Web. Awful, awful shit to be found there. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to those things, but I am. 

I’ve gone and rambled again. Tomorrow I will be productive. Tonight I sleep. 

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