A Dose of Uncomfortable Reality

I confessed to my husband (and myself) that I more than likely would have killed myself by now if I didn’t know (or care) about how my death would impact those whom I love. I’ve considered all forms, but have either dismissed them for lack of means, level of pain, mess, and who would more than likely find me.

I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to continue living like this. Everything is so overwhelming. Everything. But I can’t kill myself. I don’t want any risk of my kids seeing me like that. My in-laws have experienced the pain of another’s suicide and I don’t want to put them through another.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what do you do when the problem doesn’t seem to have an end? This shit is exhausting.


9 thoughts on “A Dose of Uncomfortable Reality

  1. What do you do? Make it better. Find what you want that you think would make you happy, and do it. The details will always figure themselves out somehow. But while you feel like this… You need to focus on you because you can’t take care of anyone else if you can’t take care of yourself. And I know that’s super hypocritical of me to say coming from a similar place in my life right now, but the difference is… I had what I needed… And I fucked it up. And now I have no clue WHAT to do with my life… But I am trying to figure it out… And once I do… I’m going to do it and I know I can make anything work if I at least try. Same can go for you. You are only limited by the things you limit yourself to.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with cypresstreemoonphotography. You limit yourself. Question: Is there anyway you could put yourself in a clinic? A close friend of mine did this years ago, when he was at a similar point you seem to be now. He spent 6 months in that clinic and came back a happier person. He found a way to manage what he couldn’t bare anymore before.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I unfortunately can’t do that right now. We don’t have reliable childcare, we need my meager little income, and I’m not sure our insurance would cover it. I’m trying to see about some medication though.

      Things are going a bit better. I’m nearly out of my insanity woods. I go through this every few months. It’s obnoxious and I don’t know how my husband has the patience to stick it out.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now if we could just get me to believe that. A big part of my problem is, until I met my husband (and very brief relationships with two other guys) I was not shown love in a proper way. I was basically shown nearly my entire life that women are a convenience for men and that’s all we’re good for. Being used.

        While I now know that’s not the case, it is so deeply ingrained in my being that I constantly think There’s a catch to his love. That one day he will ask for some kind of payment.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Crazy what people can do to you… All he wants is you, being with you, giving you his love. If only someone could get that idea out of your head. But as you said, they managed to deeply ingrain it into your system…

        Liked by 2 people

  3. elciemishay, the sad truth is that once hurt by love the trust dwindles away until all we are left with is bitterness and sadness. Only when you build up that trust for one, can you truly love them.

    Liked by 1 person

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