I wish everyone would give up on me. That way I could walk away. I don’t know why anyone wants me around. I hurt my husband and children with my angry words and impatience. I’m no good for them. It’s almost like no one wants to admit that. My husband told me last night that I am awesome. I scoffed and asked him, “how am I awesome?” He responded with very vague answers like, “I see your potential” and “I see things.” When I asked for specifics he said, “there’s too many to pinpoint just one.”
All I could think was you fucking liar! I didn’t believe a word he said. Whether he said it to be nice or because he actually believes it I may never know, but it felt like a load of bullshit because everyone has potential. Potential doesn’t mean shit. My husband may have had good intentions, but all it did was cut me down when he couldn’t actually give me a specific answer.
I asked him why he chose to stay with me. He could have taken the kids and left me to destroy myself and build a happy life for them. He never answered me, he only asked why I stayed with him.
“The kids,” I responded “a sense of duty. I suppose to learn how to live the right way.”
“What does that mean?”
“I fall in love easily, but as soon as I get bored I leave. I’m fickle. I don’t like it, but that’s how I’ve always been.” We had a discussion about how we’re stuck being boring for a while, but it’s not like it was.
This life is not for me. All I’m doing is hurting a good man and those precious, innocent children. I’m not a bad person, but I am not a good wife or mother. I don’t want to miss out on my kids’ lives, but I don’t want to ruin them just so I can see them.
I don’t deserve them. I need to be locked away so I can’t do anyone any harm. I can’t handle this any more. I can’t keep fighting. I’m too tired.