Fighting a Losing Battle

I wish everyone would give up on me. That way I could walk away. I don’t know why anyone wants me around. I hurt my husband and children with my angry words and impatience. I’m no good for them. It’s almost like no one wants to admit that. My husband told me last night that I am awesome. I scoffed and asked him, “how am I awesome?” He responded with very vague answers like, “I see your potential” and “I see things.” When I asked for specifics he said, “there’s too many to pinpoint just one.”

All I could think was you fucking liar! I didn’t believe a word he said. Whether he said it to be nice or because he actually believes it I may never know, but it felt like a load of bullshit because everyone has potential. Potential doesn’t mean shit. My husband may have had good intentions, but all it did was cut me down when he couldn’t actually give me a specific answer. 

I asked him why he chose to stay with me. He could have taken the kids and left me to destroy myself and build a happy life for them. He never answered me, he only asked why I stayed with him. 

“The kids,” I responded “a sense of duty. I suppose to learn how to live the right way.”

“What does that mean?”

“I fall in love easily, but as soon as I get bored I leave. I’m fickle. I don’t like it, but that’s how I’ve always been.” We had a discussion about how we’re stuck being boring for a while, but it’s not like it was. 

This life is not for me. All I’m doing is hurting a good man and those precious, innocent children. I’m not a bad person, but I am not a good wife or mother. I don’t want to miss out on my kids’ lives, but I don’t want to ruin them just so I can see them. 

I don’t deserve them. I need to be locked away so I can’t do anyone any harm. I can’t handle this any more. I can’t keep fighting. I’m too tired. 


6 thoughts on “Fighting a Losing Battle

  1. The only thing that you’re losing is a better perspective. You’re awesome because despite your perspective of yourself and the situation you are in, you are loyal, loving, you are trying to do the right thing even if you feel like you are completely failing… That’s bravery. You’re awesome because there is a fierce warrior in you that despite your perspective you keep moving on. You’re awesome because you remain yourself and don’t faulter to anyone despite the situation. While you may feel you are dying inside, you still continue to fight for a better life.

    He loves you more than you can comprehend. You may not be able to see it, but it’s true. Relationships never stay the same. The only thing constant in life is change. You have to evolve with a relationship. And it is what you make of it. You’re still not in the best situation. And to be honest, you need professional help to deal with the depression, anxiety, etc. You’re on a dark and destructive path because you can’t get out of your own head. Because looking at you from MY perspective, you’re fucking Wonder Woman! And as far as your anger goes, professional help would do you a world of good. Your children won’t remember the yelling, they’ll remember that you keep them safe, taught them right from wrong and despite your poor perspective of the situation, they’ll remember you tried everything you could to make a good life for them and that you were there for them… And that’s what counts. I fucking love you to death. And you know I’m here for you. Talk to me. Anytime.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re fine. It was kinda boring anyway. I can’t think of anything you can do that I don’t already have available. I need to call and make an appointment with my doctor, but I’m lacking the motivation to do so 😑


  2. He really loves you and that’s why he can’t come up with one thing. I agree, you need help. You need someone who makes you see how wonderful you are and not doubt yourself in such a way. If you would be as bad as you think he would have left. For the sake of the kids. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I guess it’s easy to say… Not sure if it helps but here’s a huge virtual hug…

    Liked by 1 person

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