It’s a bad day. No particular reason. Surprisingly. Grandmonster-in-law and I have managed to be civil even when my husband has taken our car to work leaving me stranded here.
I fucking hate this tiny ass house though. I’m constantly running into someone or something. She’s constantly changing the house too. It drives me bat-shit crazy. I like to rearrange furniture too, but only twice, maybe three times, per year if that! She does it once every week or two!
But enough of that, today sucks. All I want to do is sleep until I have to go to work tomorrow night. I fed my kids cereal, but they fought about who was going to sit next to me so I chose to wait to eat breakfast until they were done. After 20 minutes my daughter slurps down her milk from her bowl and happily exclames “I’m done!” I now get to sit down to my own bowl of cereal. I take a bite, then my littlest wants a bite. I take another bite, then my two year old wants a bite. I’m about to take my third bite when my daughter tells me she’s still hungry. I lost my shit, shoved the bowl in her direction, and told her to finish it. We live paycheck to paycheck and barely have any milk and I now don’t have a car to go get milk. Grandmonster hates being low on or, God forbid, running out of supplies.
I am just not up for being “Mother of the Year” today. I just want to be out of here. I need my own home. I just want to be left alone.
I know my kids don’t understand. They’re just trying to make sense of a confusing situation and they’re clinging to me because I’m what’s most familiar to them, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with.
I hate these times because this is when I feel most self destructive. This is when I feel a desire to get myself into trouble. This is when I feel like cutting, trying a hardcore drug, fucking a stranger, walking on the highway and seeing where I end up, etc. I can’t explain why. Some call it a wanderlust or a phase, but it’s not. It’s a sickness. A disease.
I don’t have the strength today to fight my own mind so here I sit, in the fucking basement, with all three kids, in the bed, watching tv.
Loosing my mind.