Sorry, Mommy Can’t “Mom” Today

It’s a bad day. No particular reason. Surprisingly. Grandmonster-in-law and I have managed to be civil even when my husband has taken our car to work leaving me stranded here. 

I fucking hate this tiny ass house though. I’m constantly running into someone or something. She’s constantly changing the house too. It drives me bat-shit crazy. I like to rearrange furniture too, but only twice, maybe three times, per year if that! She does it once every week or two!

But enough of that, today sucks. All I want to do is sleep until I have to go to work tomorrow night. I fed my kids cereal, but they fought about who was going to sit next to me so I chose to wait to eat breakfast until they were done. After 20 minutes my daughter slurps down her milk from her bowl and happily exclames “I’m done!” I now get to sit down to my own bowl of cereal. I take a bite, then my littlest wants a bite. I take another bite, then my two year old wants a bite. I’m about to take my third bite when my daughter tells me she’s still hungry. I lost my shit, shoved the bowl in her direction, and told her to finish it. We live paycheck to paycheck and barely have any milk and I now don’t have a car to go get milk. Grandmonster hates being low on or, God forbid, running out of supplies. 

I am just not up for being “Mother of the Year” today. I just want to be out of here. I need my own home. I just want to be left alone. 

I know my kids don’t understand. They’re just trying to make sense of a confusing situation and they’re clinging to me because I’m what’s most familiar to them, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with. 

I hate these times because this is when I feel most self destructive. This is when I feel a desire to get myself into trouble. This is when I feel like cutting, trying a hardcore drug, fucking a stranger, walking on the highway and seeing where I end up, etc. I can’t explain why. Some call it a wanderlust or a phase, but it’s not. It’s a sickness. A disease. 

I don’t have the strength today to fight my own mind so here I sit, in the fucking basement, with all three kids, in the bed, watching tv. 

Loosing my mind. 

Advertisements

What are Your Thoughts? Feelings? Ideas?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s