In the Midst of a Spiritual Chrisis

I’ve never had a moment in my life where I didn’t believe in God. I went through s rebellious phase where I pretended like I didn’t believe, but deep down I did. 

Even now, I still believe there is a God, but not for the reasons one might think. I believe Lucifer is real and he and his demons spread wickedness in the hearts of men and because I believe he exists I also believe God exists. However, I am doubting the love, grace, mercy, and compassion He supposedly has.  

God has, for nearly two decades now, been a touchy subject. He is called “the Father.” He is referred to as a “He.” Then there is His Son. Walked this earth as a man. He did not gain life experiences through a woman’s body. Women experience this world much different from men. 

No, I’m not a feminist, I’m stating a fact. I don’t hate men, but I’ve been abused by so many. I am the opitomy of “Daddy Issues” because my biological father was a piece of shit and my step-father was just as bad in different ways. 

So, hearing God referred to as “Father” leaves an understandably bad taste in my mouth. 

I look around this world today and, in general, it is ugly. People are ugly. I’m not talking about physical appearances, I’m talking about their own spirits, their essence. 

When something bad happens religious people* say it’s because we strayed away from God or God knows the reason. When something good happens it’s because of God’s will and we are to praise Him. 

Umm, so….you’re telling me God gets all the glory for the shit that goes right, but when shit goes wrong we’re accountable, not Him? What the literal Hell? Nah-uh. That’s not right. I bust my ass and work hard to be better, to provide for my family while living in a house that’s three sizes too small and the owner, my husband’s grandmother, is a miserable, old, alcoholic who more than likely suffers from some mental illness. She puts me down, undermines my authority in front of my children, she’s inconsistent and inconsiderate and God, being the all-knowing being, put me in this situation that He knew would tear me apart all in the name of a life lesson that, apparently, he’s going to deliver me from. Sounds like God has  munchausen by proxy or something of the like. 

He sounds selfish and narcissistic. 

Have I not been through enough? I have been trying to learn about Him and trying to find the ever elusive “true” religion, but the more I learn the more pissed off I get. 

God sounds like an asshole. 
*Varies from different religions


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