My husband has done nothing to make me question his loyalty, but I do know he is still attracted to this woman. She has done nothing to make me question her intentions, but she still threatens me.
The other day, while I was at work, he went with our oldest son to her house. She was returning something he let her borrow. While they were there, our son, who is two almost three and sweet as sugar, gave her a flower. She showed her gratitude by putting it in her hair. He was so happy he kept bringing her things to put in her hair; more flowers, leaves, twigs….
My husband said her hair nearly looked like a bird’s nest by the time they left. This did not make me laugh or even smile. It felt more like a piece of me died inside. I wanted to cry. Why had I never thought of doing that? Clearly this woman is a better mother than I. She has a child who’s a little older than my daughter (who is five). He’s a lucky kid.
Last night, as I was rushing off to work, my husband informed me that she wanted to know if she and my husband could go see a movie. I was immediately enraged and said no. As I drove to work I began to analyze why I had such a negative reaction. Stories he and others have told me about the two of them flooded my brain. She’s goofy in a cute, charming way, she’s confident, she’s chill, she’s basically everything I used to be until I got pregnant, but somehow she was able to hang onto that when I could not.
I believe she is a better match for him and she would probably be a wonderful step-mother.
When my husband and I were divorcing it wasn’t because I didn’t love him anymore, it was because I believed he deserved better than me. I felt we were too mismatched and that someone else would be his perfect match. I still believe that. I still feel I am just not good for him and that I will only bring him misery. I begged him to let me go. I was on a path of self destruction and I just did not care. I wanted it. I welcomed it. I was happy about it. But now I’m stuck here, more miserable than ever before and I’m feeling guilty because I told my husband he could not go see a movie with his ex girlfriend.
What the fuck?!
What the fuck is the point of all this? I feel like I’m just some toy being played with by some giant, cosmic brat.
Feeling guilty because I might be keeping my husband away from someone who could make him very happy.
What a life.