Explaining anxiety to someone who does not suffer from it is like explaining algebra to a toddler.
My husband has no idea what goes on in my mind and body when I deal with anxiety.
My mind is like the heart of New York City during rush hour. Everything is going everywhere yet nothing is going anywhere. No progress is being made, but rage is building up and everything is chaos. Danger around every corner. The fragile fibers of my sanity snap and I’m about to curl up in the fetal position and claw my eyes out as I bawl or fly off the handle and beat the snot out of someone or both. I’m terrified of everyone and every scenario my twisted mind thinks up and I’m simultaneously pissed off at everyone and everything and want to bring about Armageddon and just start over on the burnt remains of what was.
My body is suffering bad. My intestines feel like sharp rocks are moving through them, my stomach feels like I’ve just swallowed liquid nitrogen (or hydrochloric acid, whichever would burn worse), my heart feels like I’m running for my life from a rage fed, fire breathing dragon and my legs are just not moving fast enough, my eyes can’t focus on anything around me and sometimes I get tunnel vision, my throat feels like it swells nearly shut, my mouth becomes dry, my arms and legs feel like cooked noodles, and I just want to die.
Even hours after whatever sparked my anxiety has passed, I’m still feeling like I’m right in the middle of it. Tapping (EFT [Emotional Freedom Techniques]) helps a little bit, but it’s often very temporary. Focusing on my breathing helps my heart rate, but nothing else. And his nonchalant attitude towards whatever is setting me off only makes it worse.
Anxiety doesn’t just affect the mind, but the body as well. In a week I’ve lost 15 pounds. Normally that would be fantastic, but because I know it’s not from healthy habits it concerns me.
I just don’t know how to explain it in a way that will get my husband to understand it. Maybe he’ll read this and get a better understanding or maybe I need to explain it in a different way. I don’t know, but the environment we live in is killing me ever so slowly.
Yesterday was such a good day. We dropped my daughter off at school, I dropped my husband off to donate plasma then took my sons to the other grandparents house where my oldest son played puzzles with his great grandma and I played on the floor with my youngest.
I then gathered my boys up a couple hours later and we picked daddy up from the plasma place, we grabbed some lunch, then went back to the grandmother we’re staying with, laid the baby down for a nap, then went across the street with our older son and helped trim trees.
After about an hour I had to get in the shower and ready for work. Unfortunately his grandmother had the dishwasher going (not allowed to run two appliances at once [ex. Dishwasher and shower can’t run at the same time, shower and washer can’t run at the same time, etc.]) so I had to drive across town to the other grandparents just to shower. I forgot almost everything I needed for my after shower routine because I was extremely irritated so I had to drive back and finish getting ready at the first grandmother’s house. Grr.
I work with my sister-in-law and we were on the same shift so she gave me a ride to work. I spent my entire four hour shift in the FREEZING office completing elearning stuff. Good times were had though. It was a good shift and afterwards we sat around and had pizza (I should probably have mentioned I work at Pizza Hut).
As I was laying in bed I went over how it was a great day overall. It’s the first time within memory I can actually say I had a great day despite some of the things that didn’t go right.
Today is off to a bit of a rough start, but I’m actually hopeful it wi still be a good day.
Today is a melting pot of emotions. I’m excited and nervous for her, I’m happy for the break from the 25,000 questions she asks me in a day, and because her curious and playful butt is in school both of my boys can take a nap and things are soooooooo peaceful.
I feel kinda guilty that I’m more happy than sad about her being gone, but I know she’s in a good and safe environment and she is learning. She’s happy. So I will enjoy this time apart and I look forward to her telling me how her day was.
Excuse me as I return to binge watching YouTube.
Something I have never even thought of. Be careful in this hot weather!
Parents who have young children or babies, are always cautious of not leaving anyone with two legs or four paws in a hot car. Recently in the media we have heard stories of parents leaving young children and babies in hot cars, but what we are not cautioned about is the items and the hot car seat that are in the car- heating just like a child. Since 2010, the number of deaths of children being left in a hot car has risen dangerously high. For all of modern technology and safety features a quick run into a grocery store can be fatal if you leave pets or children in a car unattended. Hear is my story of the dangers of a hot car, particularly our son Edwin’s car seat.
A week ago, July 23, 2015 my 10 month old Edwin and I were running to get our baby sitters…
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