Selfish Thoughts

I’m having another one of those “I can’t be a mommy anymore” days. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I don’t love being crawled on, stomped on, kicked, hit, bit, smashed, scratched, screamed at, whined to, cried on, “clean me”, “feed me”, “change me”, etc. I’m so fucking done. I’m no good at this bullshit. Most days, I fucking hate it. 

I’m impatient. I don’t have it in me to deal with all the hair pulling, scratching, climbing…. I think you get my point. Days like this are really bad because I want to run away. I want to be selfish and heartless and just do whatever I want to do. But I’m not heartless. I can’t just abandon everyone. 

I don’t think I should stay. “But the kids need their mother!” No, they needs a mother figure who loves them and teaches them. I love them, but I’m a terrible teacher. I yell, I scream, I often can’t even hug them when I’m feeling like this. Being touched is overwhelming. You can’t reason with a toddler. Or a five year old. 

I want to be alone. I want to have my own place. I’ve never lived on my own. I only want to pick up after myself and make my space look exactly as I want it to and have it stay that way. I want to be able to sit out in my living room and watch a rated R movie (or an adult film…) without worrying if my kid(s) will walk in and see things they shouldn’t. 

I know, I know, I’m being incredibly selfish. I wish I had someone who would magically swoop in and save me from myself before I do stupid shit. 

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4 thoughts on “Selfish Thoughts

  1. If you had more “you time,” I personally think those feelings would be a lot less frequent. I don’t know if they’d ever go away, but I think they’d be as bad or frequent. I have soooo much “me time,” and I pray for someone to need me. I feel desolate and alone because I’ve isolated myself. I made my son independent and well, being a month from 8 years old, he was already leaving me for friends or to entertain his own kid agendas. My husband is almost always at work or sleeping, so now I am left by myself and “living on your own” is depressing. No one needing you, depressing. I feel like I’m only good for one thing, going and getting groceries or occasionally feeding my men.

    The grass always looks greener on the other side. It’s not. It’s the same. It just looks different from your perspective.

    I hope you find peace soon. I hope you find that niche that allows you an escape. So you can feel the freedom you wish for at least long enough to see what you have can be pretty sweet.

    Liked by 1 person

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