I’m having another one of those “I can’t be a mommy anymore” days. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I don’t love being crawled on, stomped on, kicked, hit, bit, smashed, scratched, screamed at, whined to, cried on, “clean me”, “feed me”, “change me”, etc. I’m so fucking done. I’m no good at this bullshit. Most days, I fucking hate it.
I’m impatient. I don’t have it in me to deal with all the hair pulling, scratching, climbing…. I think you get my point. Days like this are really bad because I want to run away. I want to be selfish and heartless and just do whatever I want to do. But I’m not heartless. I can’t just abandon everyone.
I don’t think I should stay. “But the kids need their mother!” No, they needs a mother figure who loves them and teaches them. I love them, but I’m a terrible teacher. I yell, I scream, I often can’t even hug them when I’m feeling like this. Being touched is overwhelming. You can’t reason with a toddler. Or a five year old.
I want to be alone. I want to have my own place. I’ve never lived on my own. I only want to pick up after myself and make my space look exactly as I want it to and have it stay that way. I want to be able to sit out in my living room and watch a rated R movie (or an adult film…) without worrying if my kid(s) will walk in and see things they shouldn’t.
I know, I know, I’m being incredibly selfish. I wish I had someone who would magically swoop in and save me from myself before I do stupid shit.