Living in this place is changing me. Not for the better. It’s undoing everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. It’s making me bitter and mean. It’s making me like her.
I feel like I’m in an emergency room. There’s chaos and a wide range of emotions all around me. I flatline and feel the sweet relief of death, but the doctors and nurses keep reviving me. Each time they bring me back I try desperately to tell them to let me pass on, let me die, but I’m unable to communicate. I beg with my eyes, but they don’t understand. They just tell me everything will be ok then they leave me in the middle of the chaos until I flatline again.
This is what I’m living every day. I just want to let go, but my few friends, my kids, and my husband keep me going despite me overwhelming desire to leave, I stay. The longer I stay, the more bitter I become.
I don’t know how to stop this. If I’m not fighting with my grandmother-in-law I’m fighting with my husband or my kids. I can’t keep fighting. I don’t have enough care left in me to fight. I feel like I’m losing my battle with Life and Demons and I’m ok with it, but everyone around me keeps this tiny part of me going. It’s so tiny and weak, but this part of me keeps fighting even when I beg it to stop.
I’m expected to do things that are not as simple as many would think. I just spent the better part of an hour standing in the bathroom with my two year old son as he “tried” to poop, but he already started pooping in his pull-ups so they were ruined and when we sat him down on the toilet he refused to push the rest out.
This is not the life I wanted. I am not built for babysitting pooping toddlers. I know they’re my kids, but being their mommy is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s not what I’m wired to do. But everyone expects me to do it with a smile on my face. Mostly his grandma expects that.
I’m not good enough in her eyes. I never will be. I hate laundry and changing diapers and hearing “Mommy mommy mommy mommy” all fucking day long. I hate being needed so much. But I’m expected to just do it.
I’m drowning and everyone is watching me, expecting me to swim.