Dealing with anxiety is a tiring process. My heart is always racing. I feel on edge and it doesn’t take much for me to go from having a good day to having a horrible one.
It’s like having pure energy coursing through my veins, but I’m so exhausted I can’t burn it off. It’s like feeling like you’ve just run 20 miles when actually you’ve accomplished nothing. It’s like being pissed off at the world while desperately trying to be loved and accepted by it. It sucks.
Today has been a high anxiety day. I’ve started smoking again About a month ago and my husband bought me an e-cig. I feel like that thing has been in my mouth all day. I still have regular cigarettes for days such as today when my anxiety is just too high for me to manage on my own, but I’m left alone to manage it.
Every wrong choice I’ve made, every time my heart has been broken, every promise I’ve broken, every cut I’ve made and every cut I desire to make, every tear I’ve shed, every scream that’s escaped my lips, they all haunt me and gnaw away at my sanity. They feed my anxiety.
I do my best to to curve my thoughts to more positive ones and there are plenty of times I’m successful, but it doesn’t ease the anxiety. When I know the root of my anxiety I have more power over it, but when I don’t know why it’s there I feel helpless to overcome it.
It is a vicious and blood thirsty beast.