I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder three years ago and it was reaffirmed during my hospital stay. Until two nights ago I never bothered to research what this actually is because, well, I’m living with it so that’s all I need to know…right? Lol so so wrong.
My symptoms are bad enough that I was originally thought to be bipolar, but, on paper, I don’t quite meet the criteria. Some of my most prominent symptoms include
- Inappropriate anger
- Identity disturbance
- Paranoid thoughts
- Emotional instability
I have others, but those are my main problem areas. As a result of this I am often inappropriately needy and the thought of being alone longer than a few hours terrifies me. Yet I have tried several times to pull away from or leave my husband. I feel inadequate. I feel I’m no good as a wife and mother and need time alone to get myself right. I have a strong feeling that if my attempts to leave were successful I’d be even worse off than I am now.
Some of the imaginings that go through my head are awful and perverse and my brain tricks me into feeling I want it or I deserve it. I tend to have self destructive behavior that puts me in risky situations. I also tend to get paranoid when friends don’t message or call me back and I begin to think either something has happened to them or they don’t like me anymore and are ignoring me or I’ve done something to piss them off.
I can’t focus very well either. Staying on task proves to be very difficult and just upholding a linear conversation is almost impossible. I’m often considered unintelligent because of this fact combined with my poor memory, but this is not true. I’m no genius, but I am quite intelligent. Being perceived as an airhead hurts my ego tremendously and sends me into a destructive downward spiral of poor self image and destructive behavior. I care too much how I’m perceived by others.
Since I’ve brought to light what Borderline Personality Disorder actually is and talked with my husband about it we have a better understanding of the kind of care I need and we are working to keep my craziness in check. Some days are harder than others and it’s a constant battle, but now we are armed with a bit of knowledge and hopefully we can actually move forward and really work through our issues.
I am so blessed and so grateful to have a husband who has refused to give up on me even when I was always trying to run away and throw in the towel. A lot of ups and downs are headed our way, but I’m beginning to feel more confident in our ability to work through whatever issues come up.