The Desolate Road of Divorce

I wish I could fade away. Let it be as though I never existed. The pain I’m causing those around me is worthy of the inner most circles of Hell. 

I pray that one day everyone I love will understand that I made this decision not to cause pain, but to give them a better life. A life I would never be able to give them on my own. A life I’d never be able to build while staying with them. 

The path I have chosen is far from easy. It is dark and twisty. Filled with terror, heartache, and loneliness. But it is my path. It is going to make or break me and, well, I’m already broken so how much more broken could I get? 

In stories the hero always feels the need to go off alone, but in the end they are not left alone. Well, my story is not of a hero, but of a villain. I am the villain and villains are left alone and to their own devices. I am not bad or evil, just misunderstood. I hope to rise up from the depths and shine with a light that will help heal any wounds I have caused. 

That is the ending I see. I hope that’s the ending that will come to be. 

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Anxiety: A Brutal Beast

Dealing with anxiety is a tiring process. My heart is always racing. I feel on edge and it doesn’t take much for me to go from having a good day to having a horrible one. 

It’s like having pure energy coursing through my veins, but I’m so exhausted I can’t burn it off. It’s like feeling like you’ve just run 20 miles when actually you’ve accomplished nothing. It’s like being pissed off at the world while desperately trying to be loved and accepted by it. It sucks. 

Today has been a high anxiety day. I’ve started smoking again About a month ago and my husband bought me an e-cig. I feel like that thing has been in my mouth all day. I still have regular cigarettes for days such as today when my anxiety is just too high for me to manage on my own, but I’m left alone to manage it. 

Every wrong choice I’ve made, every time my heart has been broken, every promise I’ve broken, every cut I’ve made and every cut I desire to make, every tear I’ve shed, every scream that’s escaped my lips, they all haunt me and gnaw away at my sanity. They feed my anxiety. 

I do my best to to curve my thoughts to more positive ones and there are plenty of times I’m successful, but it doesn’t ease the anxiety. When I know the root of my anxiety I have more power over it, but when I don’t know why it’s there I feel helpless to overcome it. 

It is a vicious and blood thirsty beast. 

Simply Fed Up

During my hospital stay I met a number of wonderful people and we have a pretty solid support group with each other. We all have our own demons we’re dealing with, our own dark passengers, but we were able to share our secrets and become so much closer because of the mutual trust, respect, and non judgemental attitudes we all have. 

Unfortunately there are others out there who are not so kind. 

One of my female friends, we’ll call her  Sarah, has a husband and two children. She is a wonderfully sweet woman with so much love in her heart for everyone around her. She goes to church every Sunday and she spreads her love for God in a subtle manner, but it really sticks with you. She does her best to be the best person she can be and she is one of the first people to step up and help a person in need. One of those persons happens to be a male friend we made inside the hospital. We’ll call him Rodger. 

Rodger has a rather rough past and one of his struggles is drug addiction. He has a pretty sever medical problem that causes him constant pain so he’s been prescribed narcotics to help him manage it. He is very set on never turning to illegal drugs again and is in an aftercare program to help him overcome his addiction. He is a very kind hearted man and he too is quick to help a person in need. He is very self conscious and insecure, but he is a good man at his core. 

Sarah was discharged about two weeks before Rodger and we learned that he had been kicked out of his apartment and had no where to go. Sarah opened up her home to him telling him he could stay until he could get back on his feet. He collects disability so he basically just needed to  collect a few checks so he could get a car and a place. He didn’t want to impose so he has done everything asked of him and been a very good roommate. Not once has he ever acted violently or threatening in any way. He’s been going to church with Sarah and on Easter my family and I went and had dinner at her house. 

 

This is Rodger with my youngest son. Nothing about him makes me fear for my children’s safety yet people from Sarah’s church have threatened to call DCF on her for endangering her children if she doesn’t kick him out of her home. She is now feeling as though she is a terrible person who’s broken her promise to a dear friend because hypocritical, judgemental jerks from church can’t even be bothered to get to know him before they judge him for his sins. Sins which he is working phenomenally hard to overcome and never repeat again. 

I am simply fed up with people assuming the worst about other people because of some bad choices they’ve made in the past. As if none of them have ever sinned. 

 

Hello, I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder three years ago and it was reaffirmed during my hospital stay. Until two nights ago I never bothered to research what this actually is because, well, I’m living with it so that’s all I need to know…right? Lol so so wrong. 

My symptoms are bad enough that I was originally thought to be bipolar, but, on paper, I don’t quite meet the criteria. Some of my most prominent symptoms include

  • Inappropriate anger
  • Identity disturbance
  • Impulsivity
  • Paranoid thoughts
  • Emotional instability

I have others, but those are my main problem areas. As a result of this I am often inappropriately needy and the thought of being alone longer than a few hours terrifies me. Yet I have tried several times to pull away from or leave my husband. I feel inadequate. I feel I’m no good as a wife and mother and need time alone to get myself right. I have a strong feeling that if my attempts to leave were successful I’d be even worse off than I am now. 

Some of the imaginings that go through my head are awful and perverse and my brain tricks me into feeling I want it or I deserve it. I tend to have self destructive behavior that puts me in risky situations. I also tend to get paranoid when friends don’t message or call me back and I begin to think either something has happened to them or they don’t like me anymore and are ignoring me or I’ve done something to piss them off. 

I can’t focus very well either. Staying on task proves to be very difficult and just upholding a linear conversation is almost impossible. I’m often considered unintelligent because of this fact combined with my poor memory, but this is not true. I’m no genius, but I am quite intelligent. Being perceived as an airhead hurts my ego tremendously and sends me into a destructive downward spiral of poor self image and destructive behavior. I care too much how I’m perceived by others. 

Since I’ve brought to light what Borderline Personality Disorder actually is and talked with my husband about it we have a better understanding of the kind of care I need and we are working to keep my craziness in check. Some days are harder than others and it’s a constant battle, but now we are armed with a bit of knowledge and hopefully we can actually move forward and really work through our issues. 

I am so blessed and so grateful to have a husband who has refused to give up on me even when I was always trying to run away and throw in the towel. A lot of ups and downs are headed our way, but I’m beginning to feel more confident in our ability to work through whatever issues come up. 

Mental Health Disorders: Remove the Stigma

Mental Health problems have such a horrible stigma attached to them. If someone has cancer most people send love, support, and well wishes to the sufferer and their family, but if someone comes out and says they’re Bipolar it can leave people twitching in their seats. An automatic discomfort floods over them. Why?

Things relating to mental health issues tend to be very hush hush. You have depression? Well you just need to buck up and deal with your problems head on. Look at the glass half full. Gee, thanks. I’ll log that away in my file of useless advice I’ve already heard. You have anxiety? Well you just need to calm down. Do some yoga. Regular exercise will burn away calories and excess worry! Yeah…because that’s how it works. You have self-harming tendencies? Well you just… I’m going to stop you right there. The whole “well you just” nonsense is not, I repeat, is NOT helpful.

If it was as simple as “well you just” don’t you think I would have “just” done it by now? Do you think anyone who suffers from mental health issues chooses to see the world as they see it? Our brains do not function and process things the way a healthy brain should. Our views get warped by our illnesses. It is a grueling fight to battle with ourselves and so many of us keep it hidden from the outside world. Why? Because society makes us feel like we can’t talk about them because if we let others see the darkness within us our lives could become devastatingly overturned.

If you tell the wrong person this, that, or the other about your mental illness and the darkness you keep inside, they could rip your entire life apart. I’ve seen it done to mentally well people for far less. Now throw in a mental illness and social workers will have a freaking hay-day. No thank you.

Having a mental illness does not always mean an individual is dangerous and we (as a society) need to stop treating individuals with these invisible illnesses as if they are lepers. If you are unable to handle the fact that so-and-so are unwell, explain to them you don’t feel equipped to properly help them in the way they need it and point them in the direction of someone who can. Don’t try to brush it off like it’s not a big deal. It IS a big deal to us and if someone comes to you and tells you of their struggles it’s because they have finally reached a point where they can no longer bear the weight of it all on their own.

Everyone has their limits and some can handle more than others. There is NO shame in that. So what may not seem like a big deal to you is a huge deal to someone else. Do not judge. Be there to help and support if you can and if you are unable then do your best to send them in the direction of someone else who can help them. It is not your place to decide what they should or shouldn’t be able to handle.

Punished for Doing the Right Thing

Well I had a feeling this would happen, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. 

The friend who came to me is now pissed at me and has written me out of her life. She blames me for what she brought upon herself. 

I stand by my decision and I know I did the right thing. I’m pissed that she put me in that position to begin with and is now acting like the victim instead of taking responsibility for her own actions, but I still love and care for her and want her to get well. 

A Friend in Desperate Need: Attempted Suicide

Last night was one of the scariest nights of my life. A friend I made while I was in the hospital called me earlier yesterday absolutely hysterical. She had been abandoned by someone she trusted. Literally abandoned, on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, in the freezing rain. Her purse was in his car and she was roughly an hour away from her home. 

I tried to calm her down and coached her to breathe. All she could think to ask was why. Why did he do this? Why do I keep letting him in? Why? I had no answers. How could I? 

He eventually came and picked her up then took her home. She got into her car and drove. She was voice messaging me as she drove and I begged and begged for her to drive to me. I was home without a car and with all my kids so I was utterly helpless to go rescue her. 

She said she just wanted to drive. 

She went to a secret and special place they shared and she walked for 90 minutes into the woods. She wanted to let the cold take over. She wanted to succumb to it so she could be numb. 

Hours went by and I heard nothing from her. Panicked I messaged and called her. I called our mutual friends. They called and messaged her. Finally I get a response from her telling me she was home. I asked again for her to come to me, but she refused. 

Then, after I had fallen asleep due to exhaustion, she messaged me. All it said was “I’m in trouble.” She called me four times and on the fifth try I finally awoke and answered. She told me she overdosed on acetaminophen and was coming to my house. At that point she was about 15-20 minutes away. 

She told me not to call the cops and instead to call her boyfriend, the person who abandoned her earlier that day, and to tell him what she had done. I did as she asked and I was not nice about it. I called my mother asking for her help and advice. What should I do to help her at home? She and her husband told me to call the police regardless of her request for no police and also to try and induce vomiting as soon as I can. 

For anyone who has not been in this situation you may be sitting there saying, “well duh, call the damn cops!” That’s what I would have said prior to this experience, but it’s a remarkable struggle when you want to respect your friend’s wishes, but you also don’t want them to die. She has overdosed on acetaminophen before and has suffered organ damage because of it. I also know she lives an hour away from me so those pills have already been dissolving if they weren’t completely dissolved already. 

I called 911 and begged them to tell me what I could do for her at home. I pleaded with them telling them she did not want to have the cops come, but they told me it was her best if not only shot at surviving. The operator kept asking me for my address and before I said it I saw my friend’s car and lost all my resolve. All I could say was, “I’m sorry” and I hung up. 

I rushed to my friend who was clearly messed up and she stumbled as she got out of the car. I brought her into my home and my phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I assumed it was the operator I had called. I ignored it. I helped my friend to my room (my husband and I are having issues so he was asleep on the couch and all my kids were asleep in their beds) and I tried to get her into the bathroom, but she refused. She said she would throw up on her own and that she would be ok. 

My phone rang again and it was the same number as before. I ignored it. I begged my friend to get onto the bathroom and throw up and she refused again. She kept asking me why her boyfriend would do this to her. I then learned she was on the phone with him as she was taking the pills and he did nothing. She then said she just wanted to lay down and rest. Nervously I let her which gave me a chance to listen to the voicemail the unknown number left. 

The operator told me I needed to call back and give my address otherwise she would go through my cellphone provider and get my info anyways. In tears I called her back and gave my address. She told me to monitor my friend and try to induce vomiting. Nervously I watched my friend as I waited for the police. I became irritated because it took them 20 fucking minutes to get to my house. 

Before they arrived I woke my husband up and told him the situation. He got himself dressed and prepared for their arrival. I kept returning to my friend, rubbing her back or leg and watched her breathe. I watched and tried to see if she was struggling or breathing normally. She seemed ok, peaceful in fact. That terrified me further. 

Finally the cops arrived. I took the first one to my friend and briefly explained to him the situation and the second one took my info and my statement. They called for an ambulance and I returned to my friend and the first cop. I sat beside her and listened to her downplay her situation. I could see through her bullshit because I do the same downplaying bullshit. However, I’m too timid to call her out on it. I’m working on that. 

The officer brought her into the living room where we waited for the paramedics. As she walked past me she looked at me with hurt in her eyes. Hurt from my betrayal. I told her I loved her which is why I called the cops. She was only in the living room a few minutes when she said she needed to vomit. I showed her the bathroom and rubbed her back as she purged. I looked in the toilet for any signs of pills, but all I saw was liquid. She suffered 3-4 rounds of purging before she felt she was done. The paramedics came and took her vitals and aside from slightly elevated blood pressure, she was looking good, her pupils were reactive, and she was responsive. She was smiling and even giggled and joked. 

I leaned next to her and said, “I understand if you hate me, but I loved you and I was so scared. I didn’t want to lose you.” She didn’t look at me or even respond. 

They took her away in the ambulance and she left me with the keys to her car so I could move it into our garage. She is currently in the ICU at the hospital. She has since messaged me and I can sense resentment in her messages, but at least I know she is safe. 

What she doesn’t yet know is I have had contact with her boyfriend and I told him to stay away from her which he has agreed to do. He agrees that’s it’s best for him to stay out of her life because he can’t give her what she wants and needs. I went to visit her in the hospital today, but they wouldn’t let me and this is not a conversation I want to have via text. She has made him her entire world and when she finds out I ran him off she will probably be pissed at me. I’m ok with this. I would rather she hate me and be alive to do so rather than to have had her die knowing I kept her trust.