As my mind frays and I fall apart at the seems, my composure continues to make me look well and happy. I almost always have my headphones on with music loud enough to drown out everything, including my own thoughts. I can’t handle my thoughts. There are no limits as to where they go. None.
The things that pass through my mind would make Saw and Hostel look like child’s play. No perversion is too much. This is not something I’m proud of. This is something I despise greatly and I am ashamed that it’s happening, but there seems to be very little I can do to stop it.
I’ve got a good handle on controlling flashbacks. I’m able to ground myself often before they even start going. I can feel myself start to drift into that realm and I can pull myself back, but my thoughts are always going. My imagination is always at work and so I don’t quite know how to pull myself away from them. I try to twist the events playing out to my benefit, but I am rarely successful. I often sit here, paralyzed and wait for them to finish.
Silence and loneliness are my enemies. Music helps my mind focus on the lyrics, the mood of the artist, and often a past memory associated with the song. My imaginings are vivid. Almost as if I’m watching a movie. I’m barely able to see and recognize the things around me. They put me on edge. The emotions I feel are very real even though what’s playing out is not. My anxiety goes through the roof. My heart is almost always pounding. No wonder I’m so exhausted, but can never sleep.
I need to get these thoughts out and on paper, but I’m so ashamed of them I can’t even handle writing them out. I should not be fantasizing about these things, but that doesn’t stop my mind from doing so. I live in such an emptiness that I’m desperate to feel something real. So desperate that my mind does what it can to give me intense feelings I guess.
I’m so sick of fighting. I am so tired of this never ending battle. When will the war be over?