My Composure Betrays Me

As my mind frays and I fall apart at the seems, my composure continues to make me look well and happy. I almost always have my headphones on with music loud enough to drown out everything, including my own thoughts. I can’t handle my thoughts. There are no limits as to where they go. None.

The things that pass through my mind would make Saw and Hostel look like child’s play. No perversion is too much. This is not something I’m proud of. This is something I despise greatly and I am ashamed that it’s happening, but there seems to be very little I can do to stop it.

I’ve got a good handle on controlling flashbacks. I’m able to ground myself often before they even start going. I can feel myself start to drift into that realm and I can pull myself back, but my thoughts are always going. My imagination is always at work and so I don’t quite know how to pull myself away from them. I try to twist the events playing out to my benefit, but I am rarely successful. I often sit here, paralyzed and wait for them to finish.

Silence and loneliness are my enemies. Music helps my mind focus on the lyrics, the mood of the artist, and often a past memory associated with the song. My imaginings are vivid. Almost as if I’m watching a movie. I’m barely able to see and recognize the things around me. They put me on edge. The emotions I feel are very real even though what’s playing out is not. My anxiety goes through the roof. My heart is almost always pounding. No wonder I’m so exhausted, but can never sleep.

I need to get these thoughts out and on paper, but I’m so ashamed of them I can’t even handle writing them out. I should not be fantasizing about these things, but that doesn’t stop my mind from doing so. I live in such an emptiness that I’m desperate to feel something real. So desperate that my mind does what it can to give me intense feelings I guess.

I’m so sick of fighting. I am so tired of this never ending battle. When will the war be over?

I Want to Let Go

I’m sick of living in this reality. I want so badly to let go of my sanity and just stay within my own fantasies. I’m not rejected there. I’m loved passionately. I’m embraced. I’m taken care of. I’m free. 

The Uninvited Inpatient

The facility I was in was basically a large “L” shape. There was a short hallway and a long hallway. Where the two met was the nurse’s station and the community lounges. The short hallway was where the females’ rooms were and the long hallway was for the males, but when the female rooms were full they would spill over into the long hallway. That’s where my room was. I was in the room near the end of the hallway and every room around me was housing men.

One evening I had gone to my room to change into my pajamas and as I was walking down the hallway I saw something hanging from one of the lights. I moved in closer to get a better look and to my surprise and horror I realized it was a rather large, blonde colored spider! I jumped back with a shrill cry and the mental health workers and nurses all looked in my direction. Feeling utterly embarrassed, but too scared to care much I began pointing and and with a squeaking, hyperventilating voice I said, “There’s a spider! Hanging. Right there!!”

They all looked at me like I was absolutely crazy. None of them could see it. “It’s right there. I am NOT crazy, just look.” Now I was starting to panic and I began thinking what if I AM going crazy… Then one of the guys came out of his room wanting to see what all the fuss was about and I screamed as he almost ran into the monster. He jumped back and looked where I was frantically pointing and then he saw the spider.

“Oh shit!” He jumped back and went back into his room. The workers were all still looking at me, but now they knew I wasn’t losing my mind. Still, no one came to my rescue. All I wanted was to go to the lounge to unwind, but I was trapped. Then the guy came back out of his room armed with two sandals. My hero in a hospital gown. Gingerly he walked up to the creature and braced himself. Just as he was about to forcefully bring the two sandals together the spider began to drop down and he, who was apparently also fearful of the beasts, jumped back as I squealed and covered my face. Just as I uncovered my face I saw him smash the thing between his sandals and a wave of relief washed over me.

He wiped his sandals on the the floor and smashed it against the ground as if the spider were still alive. He walked away with a triumphant strut and I stood there still feeling trapped. The workers again looked at me and watched as I struggled to pass the spot where the creature met his death. Every time I got close my heart would be gripped by fear and I could not move. Some of the workers began chuckling as they returned to their work.

Finally sick of being laughed at I took a few cleansing breaths and a couple steps back then charged forth past the threshold. I stopped just before the nurse’s station and was feeling proud of myself, when one of the male workers we affectionately called Blondie pointed just above me and asked, “What’s that?” I shrieked and ran for the lounge as he laughed.

As I entered the smaller of the two lounges, where my new friends were waiting, I was flushed and laughing. but still spooked thanks to Blondie. I retold my tale and everyone had a good laugh, albeit at my expense, but it certainly lightened the mood and Blondie’s nickname changed to Meanie Pants.

It seems that no matter where I go or what season it is, these things will always find me lol.

“That’s Another Story for Another Day”

On the 25th of February my depression rapidly spiraled down further than ever before. For four long, heart wrenching days I contemplated suicide. Never made a plan, but I was close to finding one.

On the evening of March 1st I finally told my husband I was having these thoughts and he ended up taking me to the hospital where they put me in a crisis room. It was an awful experience, but that’s another story for another day.

By March 2nd I was committed to a Mental Health facility as an inpatient. I spent 9 days there. I had many ups and downs while I was there and I eventually started taking antidepressants, but that’s another story for another day.

I am now home and feeling much better. Things have been rather fast paced and I’ve already broken down twice, but I’m working through it. It has been surprisingly difficult adjusting back to family life, but…

That’s Another Story for Another Day.