Spiraling

I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’ve said it all. It all fell upon deaf ears.

I surrender. I can’t fight any more. I don’t have much fight left. For anything. Today was a bad day. You knew I was struggling for the better part of it. I can’t deal with this shit and your shit at the same time.

*****

I am a horrible person. I am selfish and needy and I have a bad case of tunnel vision. I’m unsupportive, I’m constantly raging out, I’m erratic and overly emotional, and I have my husband stuck between a rock and a hard spot.

I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusting living in my own skin. I want to cover or break every reflective surface so I never have to face myself. My tears feel so cold against my skin. Like ice running down my face and dropping on my chest. They’re giving me goosebumps. I am a miserable human being. Why I am so miserable I have no idea.

My headphones are about to blow out my eardrums, but they still can’t drown out the whispers of my demons. They have a strong hold on me tonight.

Why am I writing all of this? Why am I putting it out on display? Because writing this is the only thing keeping me from cutting myself. There is nothing I want more right now than to rip my own skin open. To watch myself bleed. In my current state I would go deeper than I’ve ever intentionally gone and I wouldn’t care. I’d be too tempted to give into my demons. So here I sit, in a dark room, headphones blaring, vision blurry from tears, letting my fingers write whatever it is my heart and soul are screaming.

I’m sick of feeling like a monster. I’m sick of feeling caged. I’m sick of feeling bound to these creatures forsaken by God. I’m sick of the images that haunt me. Things I dare not share here.

I’m sick of feeling. I want to be numb, cold, and still.

If anyone is still reading, this is not a suicide note. I wish I didn’t exist, but I do and because I exist and I have children I want to watch them grow. I want to raise them well so I will have living, breathing proof that I have done at least three things right. Three wonderful things out of a lifetime of fuck ups. I can live with that.

I hope they will one day understand I love them more than my own life and I will do anything and everything in my power to keep them safe. I hope none of them go through a fraction of what I have. I wish this pain upon no one. Not even my enemies. I hope they will realize I am only human and I am flawed, but I have loved them from the start.

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