It’s Darkest Before the Dawn

There are far too many pointy things in this house. At any given moment I am less than three feet from something I could easily harm myself with. Tonight I am hating myself. Last night’s recurring nightmare has fucked me up. I’m emotionally raw, vulnerable, and horribly exposed to the elements. Trying to keep your outward appearance collected while you’re falling to bits on the inside is exhausting work. I thought I was doing fine earlier today, but as the sun set the darkness began consuming.

I’m sick of feeling so many emotions from a plethora of instances. I want to cut the feelings out of me. I want to choke the life out of my own emotions whom have become their own entities. I want to slit their throats and feel their warm blood spill over my hands. I want to wrap my hands so tightly around their necks until I can not longer feel them struggle for breath. I want to take red hot metal and repeatedly burn them until their screaming stops. But in order for me to get to them I have to go through me. Going through me is no longer an option.

I remember a game my ex boyfriend used to play with me. He’d carry around a backpack with him filled with random things he would need throughout the day. He enjoyed pulling out each item from his bag and tell me in detail how he would torture and kill me with each one. He was very creative. This was all in “good fun” of course and our friends would laugh and applaud him for his stunning imagination and I would smile and nod on the outside, but inside I was mortified. Those tales have inspired my demons.

I’m feeling very torn down. I feel like everything the hateful men in my past have said to me is true. I am not meant for happiness. Love is not real. I’m only good one thing and it’s what I have between my legs. This is not fair to my husband. He rescued me from my living nightmare and he has done his best to heal me, but unfortunately he is not very emotionally in-tune so my erratic emotions are a foreign language to him and we aren’t understanding each other very well.

We got into a fight about yugioh. I finally broke down and told him I’m sick of fighting about it. I told him to do whatever he wants to do and I will just let it be. I will never again argue with him about it. That didn’t go over as well as I had hoped. I did not say that too him to guilt trip him or anything like that because that shit doesn’t work with him. I have the intention on just letting it go and hopefully I will become numb and indifferent to it so it won’t cause me so much agony. Why does it cause me so much agony? I have no fucking clue. I really don’t know why I hate it so much, but I do. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have tried everything I can think of to be ok with it. I really have. I know the change has to happen with me because I am the one with the problem. There is nothing wrong with him having this hobby, but I just can’t accept it.

I am just done fighting him on this subject. I can’t do it anymore. I have very little fight left within me and I need to save that fight for bigger battles with my demons. I have little more to spare for much else. I am trying to pick my battles and yugioh is one I have no desire to fight. I will never like the game. But I refuse to let some fucking cards get in the way of my marriage and the only way I know how to prevent that is to just be numb to them. Eventually I will get used to the shit and it will no longer phase me. Hopefully.

All I know is I can’t deal with the shit going on inside my own head AND fight my husband with this any more. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I’m tired of feeling like I have an open and bleeding wound that no one else can see. I’m the only one that can stitch it up, but I don’t have the time. I just want one day of peace. One day where I don’t worry or feel vulnerable.

I feel the urge to cut myself going away. Slowly, but steadily. I feel like I can leave this room now without being overwhelmingly tempted to grab something sharp. Which would be very nice since I am freezing my ass off in here. Unfortunately I have passed the point of being able to go to sleep. If I sleep now I will only be doing more harm than good. I’m hoping I’ll get my third wind here shortly. Maybe I’ll actually be productive today. Here’s hoping.

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