Midnight Venting

I am doing everything wrong. I don’t call people to keep in touch with them. I don’t write hand written letters. I text, message, and/or email. It’s not a disconnect thing or even a technology thing, it’s an I-can’t-hear-you-on-the-phone-very-well thing.

I don’t keep in touch with my family members very well and I can count the number of old high school buddies I talk to on one hand and still have fingers left over.

I’m so distant from my family in California and I have very little knowledge of what’s going on out there, but I’m not completely out of the loop.

A few months ago, before I deleted my Facebook account, I got into a minor fight with my youngest sister over a post I made. It was an article I had come across via a friend and it was about girls who grow up without a dad. I made a remark about how I had two chances at having a dad and they both sucked and I was able to relate very well to everything in that post. I took a stab at my ex step-father, saying something along the lines of how he was/is a terrible father and that pissed my youngest sister off and she asked me to remove my post. I refused.

That didn’t go over too well. I apologized for offending her, but it’s how I truly feel so I would not be taking it down. She went on to defend the ass and trash our mother while I did the opposite. She took a stab at me by remarking on how I’m way out here and haven’t come back to visit since I’ve left. Something that is out of my hands given the fact that I have three young children of my own and flying home costs money we don’t have.

I want so badly to go back to California for a visit. But I have some concerns:
1. My mom no longer lives in Southern CA, she’s in Northern CA and I would obviously be staying with her since my ex step-dad and I have absolutely no love or respect for one another.
2. I wouldn’t even know how to go to my old house to see them. If he answers the door I’m not sure what would happen. If my siblings answer the door I wouldn’t be able to go inside because, well, animosity.
3. I don’t even know if my siblings want anything to do with me.

My youngest sister is the bright, shiny apple of her Daddy’s eye. He is able to live vicariously through her because she is involved in something he loves more than probably anything. She has not seen what I have or lived through what I have lived through. She has not felt the terror he made me feel. She doesn’t not live with the anxiety I live with that stems from him. She claims he’s changed, but how could I know since I am not there. I told her if he’s willing to call me up and apologize for the shit he’s put me through then I am willing to listen and reconsider how I view him, but until that happens I will continue to see him as nothing more than a monster.

I have yet to receive a call. And I expect to never get one.

The situation is killing me slowly on the inside. I’ve told all of them they can talk to me pretty much any time. I can’t always pick up the phone and call them because I have a long list of things I need to get done in the day. Being a stay-at-home mom is anything but a vacation. Just because I’m home all the time doesn’t mean I’m free all the time to do whatever I want. If someone reaches out to me I will make time, but if no one reaches for me I need to keep doing what I need to do. I can’t always be the only one reaching.

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2 thoughts on “Midnight Venting

  1. So many times you will have people tell you that you can never go home. My dad offered me advice some 30 years ago, “Son, if you want to survive in this world, move away from your family.” I spent 23 years in the Navy and though a great deal of non-communication with them started with me not communicating back home, I’ve seen over the years how they treated each other. I am loved greatly when I visit (sometimes years go by without seeing one or more of them) with them but life goes on just fine when I’m not. The dysfunctional family has to stop somewhere, why not with you and yours.

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    1. Very true. Thank you for passing along the advice. It’s difficult watching things back home crumble, but they are all of the age to know that there is something better out there, they only need to go get it. I wish I could grab them by their ears and show them the destructive path they’re on, but then, I suppose, they’ll never learn anything for themselves.

      Liked by 1 person

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