Nearly two years ago I had a disturbing dream that has sat in the darkest corner of my mind, haunting me, beckoning me to come figure it out, but never helping me to try and figure it out. Last night I had that dream again. Why it waited two years to come back to the surface I may never know, but it was just as disturbing as the first time.
I was in a lavish house, almost palace like. Large windows that went from floor to vaulted ceiling, opened wide, and had flowing, sheer white curtains. I was sitting amongst a large group of people (my friends I’m assuming, though I don’t actually recognize any of their faces) and we laughed, drank, and had fun. I leave to go to the bathroom and as I enter I start to bleed from my vagina. Not menstruating, but heavily bleeding as if I’ve been cut. I scream for help and a few people rush in and lay me down in the bathtub holding towels to me while we wait for paramedics. Suddenly I’m sitting out in the common area again and everyone is laughing and having fun, but I’ve now got a large tube coming from within me and I’m holding the end of it closed as I watch it fill up with blood. The pressure becomes to great and I can no longer hold it closed and blood goes everywhere. I scream and cry and no one seems to hear me.
I try and try to stop the flow and finally I am able to keep the tube closed. I look out the large windows and in the distance I can sense the presence of lionesses. An entire pride lurking just beyond my visual field. I know they can smell my blood. I scream at everyone in the room, but it’s as if none of them can hear me. Like I don’t actually exist.
Suddenly everyone is gone. I’m left alone, holding a tube that keeps bursting open, and I can feel the lionesses coming closer. Next thing I know I’m pushed down onto a chair and a man resembling Freddy Krueger is in my face and he speaks to me. “Do you like what I’ve done to you?” He asks menacingly as he raises his bladed hand, moving his fingers around so I can see blood, my blood, dripping from them. Flashbacks begin to race through my mind as I “remember” him shoving is hand up my vagina and mutilating me. I scream in terror and he rips the tube from me and I bleed profusely. I try to hold my hand over my wound and stop the bleeding, but it’s futile. The lionesses are now coming through the window and Freddy is laughing with a crazed look in his eyes as he watches the lionesses begin to bite into me.
I wake up in a cold sweat and tears running down my face. I hate this dream. It’s haunted me for two years and just as it started to fade from my memories I am forced to relive it and it is now so very fresh in my memory. I don’t understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me other than I’ve been sexually abused in the past. Yes, thank you Brain, I already know this. So why are you reminding me of this? What purpose will having this horrific nightmare serve?
Trying to carry on with my day-to-day life, caring for my children, and just doing what I need to do while this is so fresh in my mind is near impossible. My heart feels as though it will burst from my chest at any moment. At the current moment I have no one I can confide in so I’m stuck here, trying to ground myself so my mind doesn’t get carried away with reliving this nightmare while I’m awake.
It’s not working out too well.