Waking my daughter up can be a challenge. Neither one of us are morning people so it can be pretty tricky. That being said, I thought today would be a little different since this particular morning I
am was in good spirits. Well I was wrong.
I decided to let this kids sleep in a little longer since we had a busy day yesterday and for my daughter is was a particularly rough day. She’s had a really bad attitude as of late and we’ve taken away a lot of her privileges as a result. Needless to say she is not happy.
As I gently woke her up this morning she tells me, “I wish I could fly.” Thinking this is cute I respond.
“Awe, I wish I could fly too sometimes. Why do you wish you could fly?” I’m thinking she’s about to say something really cute…. I was mistaken.
“I wish I could fly so I could get away from you.” Her voice is so cold and filled with spite. I was rather shocked that this tone could come from a five year old. It was like a dagger of ice ran straight through my heart. Am I really that horrible a mother for my daughter to respond to me in such a way?
No matter what we try, her behavior has gotten worse and worse and worse. I constantly try to talk to her about feelings and how she’s not the only one who has them and that most of the time the right thing to do is to consider another person’s feelings before you speak or act upon something. I try to talk to her about how she’s feeling and let her know how her bad behavior makes me feel. Nothing seems to work long-term.
I’ve shut down this morning. I tried not to and I’m trying to break out of it, but I’ve shut down. I’m distant, going through the motions. Once again doing the bare minimum. I’m not engaging in my children because I’m too angry and too wounded. I haven’t eaten anything this morning and I’m now getting a headache because of it, but I’ve lost my appetite.
She has come to me since I started writing this and given me a tearful apology. She gave me a hug which I could not return at first. Not because I didn’t want to, but because when I’m in this state I can’t stand being touched. It’s almost physically painful for me to endure it. Despite my desire to do so, I did not push her away, but I could not return it. Instead we talked about how we both feel. She told me she was sorry again and gave me another hug which I was able to return this time. I feel bad for thinking this, but I feel like she’s only apologized so she can get what she wants. I told her she can’t have any juice, instead she will only be allowed to have plain water. This did not please her and minutes after I told her that I got the apology followed by, “Can I please have some ice water then after I finish it can I have some juice?” So I’m feeling like it was not a very sincere apology.
I’m so worried about her development. She seems to be very manipulative and is really good at making others feel sorry for her.I’m hoping this is just part of the “terrible toddler” phase and soon she will grow out of it because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I’m not a very strong person in this area. I’ve been told many times not to take what children say personally because most of the time they don’t really understand how their words impact others, but that’s exactly what makes it so painful. Their harsh words are exactly how they feel. They have yet to grow that filter that keeps us from saying what we’re really feeling in that moment of anger or hurt.
Until recently I thought I was doing a decent job at this whole Motherhood thing. Motherhood doesn’t come naturally to me so I often criticize myself very harshly which is something that adds to my cycle of misery. I have some really good motherly instincts, but as a whole motherhood is something I struggle with. I love my children so much and I walk around in such fear because if something happens to any of my children I will lose my mind. Literally. I know that will be my snapping point. I don’t know how other mothers can watch their hearts walking outside of their bodies and not live in utter fear. That’s another post for another time. This one has gone on long enough.