Why Can’t I Escape You?

Just when I start to think I’ve finally escaped your aura, I find I’ve only gone in a circle and I’m right back where I was.

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I’ve erased you from my life in every physical way I know how.

I’ve deleted photos, Facebook, letters, mementoes, but it’s no use.

My heart still remembers you. Fondly.

I should despise you. I should hate you.

But I don’t.

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You have scarred and disfigured my heart. You have nearly ruined my life on two separate occasions, yet here I sit; pining over you.

I dare not speak your name aloud, for if I do I may vomit, curse, swoon, sigh, break shit, and cry.

The thought of you makes me experience every emotion all at once.

Love
Lust
Hate
Greed
Rage
Pity
Sorrow
Fear
Envy
Joy
Need I go on?

I see your face in my memories and I want to cradle it in my hands, kiss your lips so softly then punch you until your teeth fall out and you’re left a bloody mess.

I want you to leave me alone! I want you to stay out of my thoughts.

Stay out of my heart!

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Why did you have to come back into my life? You graduated, left town, made new friends, and found new love. Why did you come back?

Why did you take me out that evening? Why did you ask me to pretend to be your girlfriend? Why did I pretend to be your girlfriend?

A Japanese foreign exchange student had a crush on you. Deep down she knew nothing would come of it. There was no need for me to do that, but you asked and I obliged.

Why did I let you talk me into moving in with your fiancee and her friends?

Why did I think we could just be friends?

Why did I think you would choose me, a troubled young woman, over “miss perfection?”

Want to know what’s worse? What’s really the disgusting truth?
I was hoping you would leave a sweet (albeit a little crazy) woman at the altar.
I wanted you to break her heart.
Not mine.

But you crushed me up into a fine powder.
I deserved it I suppose.
But what I didn’t deserve was for you to show up in my life just to fuck it up again.

You wouldn’t leave your wife for me, but you were fine coming between my husband and me.
So I gave you what you deserved.

I verbally chewed you up and spit you out.
All you did was wish me a happy birthday.
It was then I was sent into a rage like none other.
I made you recount all the ways you had hurt me.
I finally felt I had broken free of you.

Yet here I sit; yearning for contact.

You and I had a connection I’ve never had with another human being.
What makes that particularly special is the fact that we have never had sex in any form.
Our connection is pure.
But oh so destructive.

Nothing good comes of it.

We probably would have been a fantastic couple. The kind that makes others sick just looking at our perfectness.

But I can not will not sit here and let you poison my soul any more.
Empty words I fear because you somehow manage to snake your way back into my thoughts.
And you don’t even know you do.

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You probably sit there, blissfully unaware that you still cause me misery.
Do I still cause you to tear up?
Do I drift into your thoughts and bring about feelings of regret?
Sorrow?
Curiosity?

Do you still think of me even after all my harsh words?

I hope you do and I hope it makes you cringe.

I hope you think of me and fear my wrath if you should ever try to come to me again.

I hope you think of me and remember well the time you knew me when I was still untainted by the cruelties that laid so closely at our end.

I hope you think of me and remember well all the reasons why you need to leave me alone so I may one day escape you.

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