I feel like I’ve been completely neglecting the outside world these past seven days. The first four I get a legitimate pardon for because I was recovering from my tubal ligation, but the next three, well I also get a legitimate pardon for because my husband and I have been getting our crap together so we’ll be ready for The Move (whenever it may happen).
Ok so I guess I have very good and legitimate reasons for ignoring everything outside of this house, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I haven’t had much time or energy to deal with much. My mind feels so numb and two-dimensional after working in my husband’s office. Sorting and labeling yugioh cards is so mentally (and sometimes emotionally) painful. There are times I sit there and fantasize about burning and tearing up every single last card, burning them in their boxes, or just shoving them out the door and onto the lawn, leaving them to suffer in the elements. But then I remember just how much my husband loves these cards and I continue on with my tasks.
Doing what I do for him though takes up a lot of my time for me. By time I’m done with what I need to do in there my mind is spent and I have no creativity ready to burst forth. All I want to do is play a video game and unwind.
For the love of God, even as I try and write this my kids are constantly trying to crawl on my lap or needing me to do something for them. My husband now has to get back on his nightshift schedule so basically it’s back to the same ol’ thing. Those first four days of recover were optimal days for my writings and what-nots, but the anesthesia’s effects were still latched on to me and I was constantly dozing off or getting dizzy. As soon as I was feeling even a bit better I needed to help my husband get things packed. There was no “Me Time”.
I know, I know, I sound like I’m doing an awful lot of whining, but let me try to justify myself. I am, very happy with all that we accomplished and my husband was a wonderful help… for the most part. I just feel like I got nothing accomplished for myself. I got almost no writing done, I think I maybe made one blog, I haven’t been keeping in contact with hardly anyone other than my mom and my husband’s grandma. It’s just very frustrating.
I really want to talk with a doctor about going on an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant, but I’m wary about medication. I’m not anti-meds or anything, I just fear becoming dependent on them. My pursuits for a career as a mortician are at a standstill at the moment. We first need to know what’s going on, where we’ll be moving to before I can really make any inquiries or plans on education in that field. I feel so stagnant. I’m a blank sheet of paper; flat and boring. Sure there’s lots of potential, but there’s still nothing to show.
Agh, I’m going to leave before this gets any more depressing. I’ve got a mountain of work to do anyway. Hopefully something will change soon because I’m not sure I can take much more of this.