My husband and I had a discussion before he left for work this evening. He was telling me what he wanted me to do in the office and I gave him a blank, hazy-eyed stare as he spoke. He could see the utter disinterest (that’s putting it nicely) on my face and got frustrated and angrily told me to take the night off. I told him no, I would work, I don’t mind doing it, it’s just horribly boring and tedious, but I would do it. I then straightened myself out and tried to look more attentive.
He then went on to ask me if I could see this going far. I told him I have faith in him and his abilities to make it work and that I would do my best. Long story short, I have no passion for this yugioh thing and I show no passion for anything else.
This caught me off guard. I’ve always considered myself a passionate person, not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. He told me I don’t talk about things I’m passionate about very often or for very long. Well, that’s because when I try to he’s trying to watch TV or he’s playing Clash of Clans on his iPhone and/or iPad. I’m almost always interrupted by the kids and it just knocks the wind out of whatever I was saying so I give up. I like to have random discussions about aliens, cultural ideals, religion, why are people so stupid these days, etc. I could go on for days. He does not like to discuss these random things. He gives me short answers or just simply agrees with me. That is no fun at all.
I’ve given up on so many hopes and dreams I guess I’ve just lost the desire to speak on them. That and if I feel like I’m not being listened to I don’t see a point in continuing to talk.
My husband also told me that if I wanted I could publish any number of stories about our kids and what funny things they do. The problem with that is I’m not a children’s writer. I’ve never been interested in writing light hearted children’s books. I’m more into the Edgar Allen Poe genre. Dark and dismal. I know he meant well when he said that, it still irritated me though. I tried to explain to him that his telling me to write short stories about our kids would be like me telling him to play Magic the Gathering instead of Yu-Gi-Oh! it’s the same class, but not the same thing.
I feel like there is not enough time in the day for me to do housework, care for the kids, have quality time with the kids, cook, spend time with my husband, and sit down and write novels especially since the inspiration to write rarely comes when you schedule it in. Then of course I sell myself short. You are your own worst critic they say.
It’s difficult explaining things to him especially since I don’t have a lot of time with him to explain. I need to find my passion again. I didn’t realize I had lost it, but after writing this I’m beginning to think I actually have.