Paranoid Much?

So as I was writing my last post, the wind was howling outside and surely ever sane person was tucked away, nice and warm, in there homes. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. I began to hear crunching of snow and it sounded as if it were right outside on my porch. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest and I was beginning to panic.

I thought it may have been someone who broke down and was coming to my door in need of assistance. Then I thought maybe they wouldn’t actually need any assistance and it was just a ruse. My living room and kitchen lights were on so I couldn’t use the whole “we’re asleep” excuse and I began to panic even more about what I would do when they knocked on my door. In the middle nearly having a nervous breakdown I text my husband telling him someone is outside our home.

His response: 911

For some reason that made me panic even more. He usually calms me down, but now he’s telling me 911. I nearly called, but I took a breath and forced myself to think for a moment because I was hearing a lot of crunching, but no one was approaching our door and as I moved about the house trying to stealthily peak out a window to see what was actually going on the sound seemed to follow me and I couldn’t pinpoint where it was actually coming from. I went out into the garage in the hopes of peaking out that window to maybe find my answer, but it didn’t work. It also sounded like someone was…. shoveling our driveway?

Well aren’t you courteous axe murderers! I thought to myself. It became increasingly apparent to me that my mind was blowing things WAY out of proportion, but I still had to find out where that sound was coming from. I turned off all the lights (after locking dead bolts and chaining my doors) and carefully peaked out my living room window. What I saw made me both angry and relieved: My neighbor across the street decided 11pm was a good time to shovel snow from his driveway. It’s actually kind of amazing how well sound carries itself across the street. Maybe the snow helped channel it since it’s piled up? I don’t know. Either way, crisis averted.

Paranoia has been awakened inside of me, but I still couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous I was behaving. My husband is probably sitting in his booth, palm firmly planted on face, trying to remember all the things he loves about me lol.

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Meet My Demons

Here I am again. Sitting under the crushing weight of my demons. They were on vacation. Went someplace warmer for a while (if you catch my drift), but they’re back. They don’t like the cold much so they stick uncomfortably close to me. Would you like to meet them? No, I suppose you wouldn’t, but if you continue reading you’re going to.

The first one I’ll introduce you to is Depression. He is sometimes mistaken for Sloth, but I assure you they are two entirely separate beings. He is a disturbing sight to behold. His hair is greasy, eyes are bloodshot, his teeth are rotting right out of his skull, and he has probably never showered. He is rotund because his particular branch of Depression is closely related to Gluttony. He knows my weaknesses and pokes at them each and every way he can. He sends me on a search for food and even though I know I’m not actually hungry, I let myself be fooled and I give in to his trickery. He knows my insecurities best of all and he whispers cruel things into my ear. He is so close I can smell the rot in his breath and it makes my insides crawl in disgust, but his weight is so great there is little I can do to escape him.

The next one is Ponderance. She is also known as “What If” as that is her favorite game to play. She can be mistaken for her cousin, Lust, but, though they are similar in their game play, they are very different none-the-less. She knows I can have a fickle heart and she loves to play around with my past memories. She possesses long, dagger-like fingernails which she uses like probes to give me those sick pangs in my stomach or heart while remembering someone or something I’d rather just forget. She is a very attractive demon and uses that to her advantage. Her voice is sweet and sultry and she smells of warm honey and almonds. Everything she tells me sounds so good and then she sticks me with her nails, reminding me that it is all just fantasy. She has a very strong and creative imagination.

Fear is one of my more prominent demons. This bastard never shuts up. He, like his half sister Ponderance, has a very creative imagination, but instead of making up happy scenarios I might have had he shows me the horrors that lurk in the shadows of the world. Every vile and disgusting thing you can imagine, he shouts it out as I try to sleep. When the house settles and creeks he throws images into my head that make me run to my children in a panic. When I return to bed he stands at my bedside and laughs. He is a tall, gangly, and dirty beast. He has no hair and his skin looks as thin and pale as paper.  His eyes and teeth are yellowed and his gums bleed constantly. When he shouts his horrors at me I’m often sprayed with his vile, blood infused saliva and I cover myself with my blanket as I try to ignore his incessant ranting.

Finally we have Wrath. Believe it or not he is Fear’s older twin brother. You’d never guess because Wrath is a virile and bulky hunk of demonic meat while Fear looks like he’s suffering from severe, end-stage cancer. Wrath’s normal temperature runs around 110 degrees when he’s calm (which isn’t often). He might be considered handsome, ya know, if you’re into red hot skin, pitch black eyes, and fangs that would put a vampire to shame. He possesses the roar of a lion and he uses it often. He constantly reminds me of all the things I have suffered and especially loves to remind me of the things I brought upon myself. He knows exactly what to say and how to say it so I burn hot with rage and he knows when he hits enough buttons I’ll explode at the drop of a hat. This brings him endless amusement.

These are my Four Horsemen of the Demonic Realm. They are not the only ones that haunt me, but they are the main ones. The one who is currently gnawing at my soul is Fear. He just had me in a panic moments ago and I am now recovering from that panic while he laughs in my face. His presence is strong and assures me this will be a long night.

Being a Military Man’s Wife

Being the wife of an active duty (enlisted) military man means sacrificing birthday plans.

It means shoveling snow by yourself so your three young children can play in the snow like you promised them the day before.

It means crying as silently as you can, by yourself, until you can face the shit you have to do so your family stays happy.

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Being the wife of a military man means putting his duty as a service member before your children and yourself regardless of the fact that it greatly conflicts with your personal values and beliefs.

Your husband is not a person. He is a tool. My fellow military spouses know this is not true, service members are in fact people to us, but not in the eyes of the government. Nor in the eyes of the civilians who can’t see far enough past their own fricken noses to realize that their selfish actions can (and often do) directly affect other human beings around them.

Being the wife of a military man means holding your damn tongue so you don’t get your husband in trouble even though what’s happening is cruel and unfair.

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It means taking things with as much grace as you can muster even though you want nothing more than to bust someone’s face in.

It means lonely nights.
Long, exhausting days.
Moments of intense anger. Sorrow. Worry. Fear. Hate. And more.

Being a military man’s wife will either make or break your relationship.

I will not be broken.

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Good Morning, Happy Birthday, Here’s A Shovel

Happy Birthday to me! I got woken up by my husband this morning at roughly 0615 because he needed my help shoveling snow. He got stuck coming into our driveway.

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He started shoveling and got the part closest to the garage door. It was (and currently still is) super windy out there. I layered up and had a face mask, but as I was shoveling it felt like my right eyeball was starting to freeze. Have you ever had a brainfreeze from drinking a slushy too fast and you get that pain right behind your eyeballs? Yeah, that’s what it felt like.

We got it done relatively quickly and had quite a few laughs while doing it. Surprisingly I didn’t slip. Not even once. I did, however, trip over the snow. I know, I’m not quite sure how that’s possible either, but it happened. I’m just that skilled.

Another funny moment; my dog loves the snow and she wanted to go outside and play, but she wasn’t anticipating to see snow roughly three feet deep. We encouraged her to go out (she had to go potty) and we cheered her on and she looked at us like we were insane. Needless to say, she didn’t go outside lol. I had to shovel a small pathway for her to feel comfortable going outside just to take care of business.

I also saw an animal that may be the toughest little critter ever:

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I’ve never seen a bird in this weather before. I tried (with absolutely no success) to coax the little guy inside because I thought he was suffering, but soon I saw a little buddy of his and that they were, in fact, not suffering. They were picking at those plants sticking out of the snow and doing just fine. Tough little critters.

Anywho, that’s how I started my day. Super fun. Glorious start. I tell you what, shoveling snow wakes you up more than coffee ever could lol.

My Coloring Book

Yes. I have a coloring book. I bought it a while back so I can practice coloring my artworks. I can make some pretty good works with pencil, but when it comes to adding color I suck.

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S
ee? Not so good.

This was my first attempt. I kinda cheated because I picked sheep. The sheep look pretty good, but everything else looks like it was colored in by a grade schooler. And I did nothing with the cloud. Ugh.

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B
etter, but still needs work.

This one is a little better. My main problem is I grow tired of the tedious task of meticulously coloring all that empty space in, so I just scribble it out to get it done.

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I’m rather proud of these two. The blending could have been a bit better and I could have taken more time to shade, but they’re looking pretty good.

All these were done some months ago. I lost the book and forgot all about it until we found it recently as we were packing.

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Clouds. I keep forgetting to do something with those damn clouds, but I’m starting to get the hang of this coloring thing I think.

Then my daughter makes a request….

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I had plans on making this look as realistic as possible. I had already finished the mountains, trees, and grass when my daughter came bouncing to me and saw what I was doing. She requested that I color the first horse blue and when I told her no she became instantly deflated. This broke my heart and I thought to myself I’d still be practicing with color. I’m no where near skilled enough yet to really make it realistic. Colored ponies is not the end of the world. So here we are. She picked the color for the rocks and both the ponies’ body and hair colors.

I’m particularly proud of the green horse’s muzzle. I used two different green and I think I did a rather good job at blending them. I’m starting to get the hang of this, me thinks.