Almost every time I am driving in the car by myself I just want to keep driving. To go wherever the road takes me. To follow the clouds or the birds. To just be free. But I am always brought back to reality because I could never leave my children. Also I don’t have money to just drive anywhere. I’m like a dog on a chain. I know exactly how long my chain is and I go to those limits and stay there a while. I don’t tug or struggle, I keep my chain taut and I just watch the world.
I long to be free and be only responsible for myself. But I am where I am and I love my family. I would never leave them. I can’t imagine life without them. But that doesn’t take away my desire to explore the world.
I wish I had backpacked through Europe, I wish I had taken time to see more of Italy while I was there. I wish I didn’t have such a long “I Wish” list.
I think this is all coming to the surface because I am feeling my own mortality gripping me, reminding me that one day I’m going to die. The reason my mortality seems to tangible is most likely because I’m going to have my tubal ligation surgery in a couple of weeks and I’m nervous. I know the chances of something bad happening are miniscule, but there’s still that chance. I’ve never had any surgeries other than getting my wisdom teeth pulled (that was awful because I felt a lot of pain and I’m terrified of dentists), but I never went under general anesthesia, just local anesthetics. Which WORE OFF before he was done… (6_6) …so I’m just nervous as to how my body will react to it, the possibility of my bowels being torn and I’ll need to be sliced completely open (my doctor told me that only happened to her once and assured me it wasn’t her who slipped up…so comforting…) I’m sure I’m WAY overthinking this, but I can’t help it. I never thought I would actually need to have surgery. Well, I suppose I don’t NEED this surgery, but the thought of getting pregnant again is much more terrifying than the surgery.
Oh to be a teen again and take my long walks through the desert with my dogs (who are no longer with us) and my best friend. I really miss those days. I hate the desert, but there is no sunset (I’ve seen) more beautiful than a desert sunset and the amount of stars I could see while there was unlike any other location except for Zion National Park.
I don’t like being afraid of my mortality. I don’t like fearing being taken away before I can watch my children grow and have families of their own.
There’s still too much I haven’t seen or experienced. I have always felt the world calling out to me, but lately it seems to have become even louder and all I can do is go to the end of my chain, give a soft howl, and return to the life I have built with my husband.