My mind refuses to let me sleep. I am sick with rage and sorrow. Between finding out my dad is alive and not quite in one piece, but otherwise well and has been contacting people in his past, but ignoring me and fighting with my youngest sister about her wonderful father (the man whom I’ve lived with longer than she’s been alive) I’m just fucking sick and restless. I don’t like fighting. I’ve always hated confrontation and I especially hate fighting with those I love. I love my sister, but she is pissed at me for speaking ill of her father. While I commend her for standing up for someone she loves, she doesn’t know a damn thing when it comes to that man. He is bending over backwards for this girl because she has been the only one of us (5 kids total, 4 if you don’t include the me) who has loved softball with as much intensity as him. He lives vicariously through her now because he pissed away his own youth doing drugs.
What I would give to be a fly on the wall in that house. She tells me he’s changed, but I’m not around to see it so basically my opinion which is based off of everything that monster put me through is irrelevant. I told her to let him know I am totally willing for him to contact me if he would like to apologize to me. Guess who contacted me? Not him.
I still don’t know how to process the bullshit with my dad. After writing Dear Dad I started to feel a bit bad because it’s pretty harsh, but now I’m thinking it’s not harsh enough. I’m angry at myself because I, once again, allowed myself to be fooled by him. I, once again, opened myself up to more hurt.
I feel like I’m bashing my skull into brick walls. My heart aches and feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest. I’m about to rip it out myself and put it in a box. Call me Davy Jones.
I’m sick of all this shit. SICK OF IT!! I’m especially sick of feeling helpless because I’m stuck out here. Sick of being judged because I’m stuck out here. I’m trying to raise a family of my own, but I am still dealing with the pain of both “dads”.
I swear, if I die before either of those asshats, I will haunt them to insanity.