I think it’s time for me to speak with a professional again. I think it’s also time for me to take medication. Last night my paranoia spiked higher than it has before. I was convinced harm was going to come to one or all of my children. I feared Bubby was going to accidentally kill Littlest. He is in a toddler bed now and last night I heard a weird sound and I went into their room to check on them and Bubby had all his weight on Littlest and he was struggling under his big brother’s weight. I was terrified and kept Littlest up with me and he went to sleep with me.
Bubby did not mean any harm and I know that, he wanted to play, but he doesn’t understand what kind of danger he put his baby brother in. We are changing up their sleeping arrangements today. Sissy and Bubby will share a room and Littlest will get his own room.
When it was time for Littlest and myself to go to sleep, Littlest kept crying and crying. Nothing I did consoled him for long until I pulled up YouTube on my phone and searched “Soothing baby lullaby” and I found a two hour long track of nothing but the music of lullabies and it showed pretty, colorful, changing geometric shapes along with the music. That calmed him down and within minutes he fell asleep. I, however, stayed up for much, much longer.
Every time I closed my eyes I would see creepy faces and when I would open them I would see the shadow of a person standing near my bed, but it quickly disappeared as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I pulled my son in closer and pressed my lips to his cheek and prayed to God to keep my children safe. To keep me safe so I could continue to protect and be here for my children. I cried and I panicked. Several scenarios played through my mind as lullabies played hauntingly in the background. I was so terrified of the world around I just wanted to bring all my children into the bed with me and hold them and never let them go, but I knew that would be a bad idea because when my husband would come home he’d have nowhere to sleep.
Then I heard a thump and a soft cry from Bubby’s room. Fear paralyzed me for a moment, then I unwrapped myself from Littlest, tucked him between pillows so he wouldn’t roll off the bed, then quickly and quietly made my way to Bubby’s room. I opened his door terrified of what I would find behind it, but all I saw was Bubby huddled on the floor fast asleep. He had simply rolled off his bed. It’s low to the ground so no damage was done. I picked him up, laid him carefully on his bed and tucked his pillow next to him in the hopes he wouldn’t roll off his bed again.
I quickly returned to my bed to find Littlest had taken over my pillow. I smiled and readjusted him so I could comfortably lay down and he quickly laid his head on top of my face. I smiled and fell asleep rather quickly.
I am well aware my paranoia gets overboard at times and there are so many times I have to force myself to stay in bed when I get the urge to check on the kids for the tenth time that evening. I have noticed my fears steadily get worse and worse and worse and my nights have been longer and longer. I am not really a fan of pills mainly because I forget to take them and also because of the “possible side effects”, but I need help. I just don’t quite know how to get myself to ask a doctor about it. I’m not even sure what, if anything, is wrong with me. I feel like something is very wrong. I’ve felt an internal imbalance since I was ten and I’ve wondered what is causing this feeling. I love the subject of Psychology and I think that’s mainly because I have a longing to find out why I feel this way about myself, but one of my worst fears is that nothing is in fact wrong with me and what I’m feeling is all made up. It’s frustrating paradox.
I’m so tired of feeling this way. If I’m not depressed I’m paranoid. If I’m not paranoid I’m depressed. Or I’m both, but I’m almost never neither.