I am so sick of this. I am so sick of feeling like there is something eating away at my soul and my sanity. I am sick of people telling me to “just think positive”. Thinking positive is not the freaking answer. I am able to see the positive side of things, just because I first see all the bad/negative doesn’t mean I don’t see the positive
as well eventually. This is not something I can just “get over” with a “simple” change in my thought process. I can’t help but feel like there’s something more wrong with me than depression because I am absolutely miserable and for no reason.
I can’t handle simple things most days. Getting out of bed is a horrible chore. Being the sole caregiver to my children is excruciating, not because I don’t want to be their caregiver, it’s because I feel like I’m failing them constantly. I’m not a good teacher, I’m impatient, I’m easily angered, I am just utterly imperfect. It became perfectly clear to me yesterday that I am just existing in this world, doing the bare minimum for my family, as if I’m in some kind of survival mode. But the bare minimum doesn’t feel like a minimum. It feels overwhelming. It feels like I’m doing everything for everyone and no one listens to me or tries to lighten my load. My husband does help when he wants to, but I still feel like he expects me to do more. I probably should be doing more. I have a half-assed routine. But I make three meals a day, I make my husband’s lunch that he takes to work with him every day (except his days off obviously) I do dishes nearly every day, laundry every other day, I wipe more poopy butts than most people do in a month’s time. I am just fed up with doing all these things alone.
I have told my husband time and time again it would be nice if he made his own damn lunch every once in a while because I don’t always feel like doing it and he’s a grown ass man and can make himself once in a while. Ran out of underwear? Maybe if someone would help me put away the laundry you’d have some at the ready.
I’m not saying my husband does nothing and I do everything, but what he does do, he does when he wants (which isn’t that often) and he does what he wants (which is usually something I didn’t need his help with, but he does it to avoid doing the thing I need him to do that he doesn’t want to do). It’s extremely frustrating and I feel like I’m not being listened to. But I can’t complain about it because he “at least did something”. Gee, thanks for your contribution.
Trying to get my toddlers to pick up their messes is like pulling teeth out of a jaguar, but I refuse to pick it up for them because that’s what my mother did for me and as a result I hardly ever did any cleaning. Now I’m still learning all the things I should have known all this time. It makes everything much harder. I don’t want my kids growing up expecting things to be taken care of for them. They need to learn responsibility and accountability. I’m trying my damndest to teach them that, but I was never properly taught that so it’s really freaking difficult.
I feel like I say the same damn thing all the freaking time. Like I’m a broken record. I just want this constant feeling of misery to go away. I’ve tried therapy, Zoloft, thinking positive, etc. etc. etc… I’ve tried it. I’m not sure if the Zoloft worked simply because both times I started taking it I ended up pregnant and I refuse to take medications like that while pregnant. I’m nervous about taking medications because I don’t want to have to rely on pills to take away my pain, but I’m so desperate to end this sadness and misery.
I am able to see the positive, it just rarely outweighs the negative.