A Long Struggle

It has been a very trying week. My insides are twisted up, my head is stuck in a fog, and I feel like I’m laying in quicksand. My children have been repeatedly pushing my buttons. Yet they act so polite to strangers. I get lots of compliments about how behaved my daughter is and it’s almost irritating because she acts so different at home, but I’m still glad she’s polite to the outside world.

I just want to crawl into a dark, quiet corner with my laptop and and endless supply of coffee and stay there till I feel better. It wouldn’t take long, but because that is not a possibility for me it just pushes me further down into the quicksand that is my depression. The longer I am in the quicksand the more I want to self harm to feel better. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but just to be clear I am a recovering cutter. I also used to take small wooden sticks and light them on fire, blow it out so it’s glowing red hot and burn myself with it. I didn’t use knives, I used safety pins and scissors. It wasn’t about drawing blood, it was about pain. The safety pins were my favorite choice because rather than cut the skin they tore it so it hurt worse. I used a piece of broken glass once, but it cut too deep and there was a lot of blood, but almost no pain. That made me nervous because I didn’t want to accidentally cut too deep so I went back to safety pins. Sometimes I’d put the tip in a flame and then use it to cut. Anyway, long story short I still have the urge to cut when I’m feeling low. I haven’t cut in seven years and four months, but it’s still a fresh battle for me.

There are so many times I am doing dishes and I think to myself, I could easily make it look like an accident. It’s well known I’m a bit clumsy and I can just claim I didn’t see the knife in the sink… But I resist temptation. I’ve told my husband I don’t like washing knives because they make me nervous. He knows I’m a recovering cutter, but he doesn’t understand the extent of my troubles and it confuses him that I get nervous around knives since I’ve got some culinary schooling under my belt. I’m not nervous about accidentally cutting myself (I’ve genuinely accidentally cut myself so freaking much I don’t even give it a second thought), what makes me nervous is the temptation to do it on purpose.

I’ve been to therapy and learned many techniques to resist, but it doesn’t make the desire go away. I am proud I’ve gone over seven years without doing it and I look forward to my milestone of 10 years. I do not want to reset that counter. I also don’t want my children to see me self harm or see the results of my self harm. I don’t want them thinking it’s ok to do.

It’s hard having little people depending on my 24/7, but at the same time it is my saving grace. I’m just so tired of fighting within myself and trying to appear as tho I’m not a broken person. I feel like I’m always on the brink of going insane. Like one of these days my mind will snap and I’ll be shipped off to the looney bin. For a week I’ve felt like crying, but I don’t actually cry so I sit here in that limbo and God forbid I see something that evokes any kind of emotion because then I will cry and cry and cry.

Ugh, I’m just so tired.

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