My Heart is Aching

WARNING: This is not a light-hearted post. This does not have a happy ending. This is the embodiment of my fears, and my fears are dark. If you do not wish to fall into the abyss that is my terror filled mind, please go no further.

I can’t bear the thought of all the horrid things happening in this world. It terrifies me. I’m almost paralyzed with fear. I have terrible nightmares. Things horror movies won’t even touch (at least not the ones I’ve seen and I’ve seen quite a few). My biggest fear is my children will be stolen form me. Someone will come into my house and take one or all three of my children. I have dreams of me pleading to the media, the cops, anyone to bring my kids home to safety.

I have dreams of someone breaking into my home and trying to rape me and my children. In some I am able to fight them off, but in others I end up watching the horrors unfold. I wake up drenched in a cold sweat. I scream and cry, but I’m usually alone so no one is able to comfort me and bring me back to reality. It takes an eternity to compose myself.

With all three of my pregnancies I’ve had horrid dreams of my babies being taken from my womb and becoming a forced abortion or a cruel science experiment. I would awake in the middle of the night and vomit, trying to purge myself of the darkness that seemed to creep into my mind.

I want to hold my children close to me. So close that they become one with me again so I can protect them from any harm. I can’t bare the thought of someone trying to hurt children. I go to bed, not to sleep, to bed, in fear every night that this will be the night they are taken from me. Any sound I hear rouses me and has me searching the house. I carry with me a police grade retractable baton that was given to me by someone who probably doesn’t consider me a friend anymore.

I weep for the innocent lives that have already been damaged or completely erased. I try to have a faith in God that He will bring a swift and vengeful justice upon the wicked, but it’s hard to keep faith when I see such cruelty, corruption, hate, and general wickedness around. I pray that the innocent are at peace now and are in loving arms.

My doctor, the one who said she would tie my tubes, said, “I don’t want you to have to face the decision of getting a pregnancy terminated…” I told her termination is never an option for me. She continued to say, “Well, you never know until you’re in that situation.” I just kept silent, but what she doesn’t know is that I HAVE been in that situation. My last pregnancy was that exact situation for me. I did not want to be pregnant again, but regardless of how I felt, I was not about to destroy an innocent life because I didn’t want to deal with the pains of pregnancy and birth. It was a LONG and HARD road for me. Depression was the only feeling I had, but I loved that baby. That baby was born and he is my Littlest. And I love him so much. I feel such guilt for being so negative throughout the entire pregnancy, but he is here with me and for that I am truly grateful.

I feel guilt for wanting my tubes tied when there are so many women out there who suffer from infertility and would do so much to be as blessed as I have been. I feel such tremendous guilt, but the truth of it is I am too afraid to bring more innocent beings into this world. I am so scared.

When I was pregnant with my first and I found out my baby was a girl I cried. I wept for days. I felt such horrible sadness for the innocent girl I was about to bring into this cold, unfeeling world. I had nightmares throughout my entire pregnancy with her about all the terrible things men have done to me. I still fear they will happen to her. She is so friendly and charismatic, she is a target, but she doesn’t know that. This feeling of dread consumes me and she doesn’t understand it. I hope she never does.

My boys are not immune from the cruelties of this world either. I am just a fucking deer in this world filled with hunters. I will fight to the death to keep my children safe, but I’m so scared it won’t be enough.

I see countless people on my Facebook posting horrible stories about child rapists/murderers and the like and I just can’t help but read these tragic stories because ignoring it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Their story needs to be heard, otherwise they will fade away and the cruelties done to them will be forgotten. I start to dwell and I imagine the worst possible fates for these fucking monsters. Rabid rats eating away at their genitals, being eaten alive by wolves, being quartered, impaled slowly, being placed inside a bronze bull, etc.

I feel like I’m no better than theses monsters for imagining such sick and demented fates for them. If I have to answer to God for these horrific thoughts, I will do so and I will take whatever He bestows upon me. As long as my children remain safe, that’s all that matters to me. I feel my fate is sealed. Whatever good I do will not outweigh the terrible thoughts I’ve had or will have. I will answer for that.

Do not judge me too harshly for what I have written. These are my fears and my reactions to said fears. The things that make my heart break. The things that cause me tremendous sorrow. These are some of the things that haunt me almost on a daily basis.

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3 thoughts on “My Heart is Aching

  1. Nobody should judge you. You have great points there. And those fears, we have them all. Maybe not to that extreme… But why would we judge? Everyone is different, everyone has different fears… And I agree. Those stories have to be told. People like that have to be named. We need to know!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not accustomed to allowing myself to write down my fears. Not to that degree anyway. The last time I did that was in a group therapy session and I scared a lot of people in the room. Most of them went up to the therapist afterwards and said that I needed more professional help than just the groups session. It kinda kept me from sharing that deeply until this post.

      Thank you for your kind words. It’s nice to see someone be so supportive.

      Liked by 1 person

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