I know I’m not alone in the struggle with depression. So many others out there feel the same weight I do, but in my house, I am the only one.
My husband claims his family never gave him the option to be depressed. That they kept him too busy. Honestly I think he’s just been suppressing everything for so long he doesn’t really feel much. His whole family is a mass suppression of emotions, unless they’re pissed then you’ll feel their wrath and it will go on for an eternity. Regardless, my husband has no idea what I’m talking about when I try to describe to him why I’m crying or angry for no reason. Why, despite it being a good day, I’m still miserable.
I know he doesn’t mean to, but when he reacts like what I’m going through is something I just need to get over, he only invalidates my feelings. Then I begin to feel stupid because I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling, it’s not logical or rational so I just need to stop feeling them. It only sends me further into the abyss.
No matter how hard I try to make it a good day, to enjoy the little things, to have fun, when I’m in the throws of my depression I am simply powerless to stop it. I do my best just to wait it out and hope it will be a short ride this time.
My children don’t understand why Mommy is upset, my husband just doesn’t get any of it, and my friends just don’t have a clue. I don’t allow myself to show them what’s behind my mask.
Even after two years of therapy I am still very broken on the inside. I am easily hurt, but I hold it inside because I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings. I don’t like stepping on toes, I don’t like conflict. I avoid it like the plague. I get angered too easily and when I’m angry I can’t think straight, I forget my point and I sound like an idiot because I’m fumbling over my words. I am so much better with the written word because I have time to think about what I want to say and I can edit it before it’s seen by the public.
I hurt so badly. My brain is shrouded in darkness, gore, and panic, my heart beats so fast and so hard I’m exhausted before I even do anything, and my core just doesn’t even want to exist. I wish I could just fade away, but that thought breaks me heart because I want to see my kids grow. I have dreams and goals I want to see through, but dammit some days it’s just too fucking hard to keep trucking through life this way! I’m not a bulldozer.
I also feel like shit because my daughter, who is four, told my husband and I that she wants a baby sister. I told her Mommy wasn’t going to have any more babies and she was so hurt and upset by my words. I told her she’s got her dollies to look after and dress up and she just looked at me as though I slapped her in the face. “It’s not the same!” she bawled. *Sigh* I can’t please anyone these days.