I’m Alone Yet Not Alone

I know I’m not alone in the struggle with depression. So many others out there feel the same weight I do, but in my house, I am the only one.

My husband claims his family never gave him the option to be depressed. That they kept him too busy. Honestly I think he’s just been suppressing everything for so long he doesn’t really feel much. His whole family is a mass suppression of emotions, unless they’re pissed then you’ll feel their wrath and it will go on for an eternity. Regardless, my husband has no idea what I’m talking about when I try to describe to him why I’m crying or angry for no reason. Why, despite it being a good day, I’m still miserable.

I know he doesn’t mean to, but when he reacts like what I’m going through is something I just need to get over, he only invalidates my feelings. Then I begin to feel stupid because I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling, it’s not logical or rational so I just need to stop feeling them. It only sends me further into the abyss.

No matter how hard I try to make it a good day, to enjoy the little things, to have fun, when I’m in the throws of my depression I am simply powerless to stop it. I do my best just to wait it out and hope it will be a short ride this time.

My children don’t understand why Mommy is upset, my husband just doesn’t get any of it, and my friends just don’t have a clue. I don’t allow myself to show them what’s behind my mask.

face_behind_the_mask_by_missmausjuh-d4fn96n

Even after two years of therapy I am still very broken on the inside. I am easily hurt, but I hold it inside because I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings. I don’t like stepping on toes, I don’t like conflict. I avoid it like the plague. I get angered too easily and when I’m angry I can’t think straight, I forget my point and I sound like an idiot because I’m fumbling over my words. I am so much better with the written word because I have time to think about what I want to say and I can edit it before it’s seen by the public.

I hurt so badly. My brain is shrouded in darkness, gore, and panic, my heart beats so fast and so hard I’m exhausted before I even do anything, and my core just doesn’t even want to exist. I wish I could just fade away, but that thought breaks me heart because I want to see my kids grow. I have dreams and goals I want to see through, but dammit some days it’s just too fucking hard to keep trucking through life this way! I’m not a bulldozer.

I also feel like shit because my daughter, who is four, told my husband and I that she wants a baby sister. I told her Mommy wasn’t going to have any more babies and she was so hurt and upset by my words. I told her she’s got her dollies to look after and dress up and she just looked at me as though I slapped her in the face. “It’s not the same!” she bawled. *Sigh* I can’t please anyone these days.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Alone Yet Not Alone

  1. I don’t know that a “like” button is really appropriate, but I’m hitting it anyways. I keep it entirely to myself when I’m feeling like absolute shit, don’t even write about it on my blog, but I can relate. Don’t know what else to say beyond that or if there even *is* anything more that can be said, but after reading this I thought I just wanted to say that. The whole “hang in there” and sympathy crap just doesn’t sit well with me on the rare occasions that I’m on the receiving end. I guess… just try to focus on the things that make you feel more alive. Hedonism isn’t a bad route to go imho.

    Trying to address what your feeling though, anything I say is going to seem inadequate to me. So ultimately I’ll just fall back on the main thing I wanted to say. Just, that I can relate, for what it’s worth…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Some of your friends get you. I do.

    Mainly because I struggle a similar struggle. And even though our thoughts, burdens, weights, and experience may not be the same, I understand. And the previous statement was dead on about “niceties” being virtually worthless in the situation about how people tell you to “feel better.” Or whatever. But, we won’t. That’s the whole of it. We’re NOT sick. It never just gets better. Life doesn’t miraculously just change. We can’t just wake up and everything is all hunky-dory. If you do wake up like that, kudos, because mine never shuts off, but, as stated we’re all different.

    But, as I’ve learned, for the majority like us, it’s a struggle. Daily. Sometimes minute to minute, sometimes by the second.

    We have to change ourselves. We have to be the change we want to see in the world. We have to change that negative thinking.

    And it’s HARD. It’s hard to change something that is hardwired into your DNA. It’s hard to go against everything you’ve ever known or thought. It’s hard to just try to be and act like the person you WANT to be versus giving in to what you FEEL.

    And that’s real. That’s a real struggle. And its one you are most certainly not alone in. And if you ever need to just give in, I am most certainly on the other end of the phone, computer, or pen. Whatever way you need me to be there for you. I am here.

    Liked by 1 person

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