Courageous (movie)

This movie…Oh goodness. Many tears have been shed due to this movie. It is powerful and it hit me hard where it hurts.

This movie centers strongly around the importance of the role a father has in his children’s lives. This subject has always been a painful one for me. I have a very negative view of what a father is. I am the definition of “Daddy Issues.”

When I was about one year old my mom left my dad. He was a no good, selfish man. She left him and went straight into the arms of my step-dad. Another no good, selfish man. I am not mad at my mother. Quite the opposite, we are very, very close, but I have a terrible sense of what a father is because of her decisions.

I would spend many weekends with him, but he lived with his mom so really all I did was visit my grandma because he was rarely there. He was a drug user, he had loud and sketchy friends over. I spent the night in strange houses sometimes. Usually there was a kid my age there. I don’t remember much.

My step-dad and I had a decent relationship when I was young according to my mom, but my first memory of him was of him pushing me away when I was trying to give him a hug and kiss goodnight. Ever since then it’s been nothing good. I felt like the evil red-headed step-child. He would tell me he loved me, but I only heard words. I never felt anything real.

My dad was in and out of jail my entire life, then finally, when I was about 13-14 he went to prison. He wasn’t due to come out until I was 25, but he got diabetes due to his drug use. It got very bad and he ended up hospitalized in the prison ward where they released him just after I turned 21 due to his health and his good behavior while incarcerated. He reached out to me and I visited him in the hospital. He said he wanted to get to know me and try to earn my trust again. He told me he never stopped loving me. I decided to give him another chance, but I told him if I ever caught wind of him messing with drugs again, that would be it. I would cut him out of my life for good. I can’t go through the broken promises again.

I am now 26 and we had some decent communication, but it’s been almost a year since I’ve heard anything from him. I have tried and tried again to contact him and I’ve heard nothing. I don’t know if he’s alive or not. My mom has left my step-dad FINALLY and has found happiness with a new man whom she’s known since high school. He’s a good man. I only wish she met him sooner because the damage for me has already been done.

I lost my relationship with God during my teen years, 16 to be precise. At that point I had seen n0thing positive about a father and church refers to God as the Father and we are His children. I wanted nothing to do with Him. I had already been sexually assaulted and lost my virginity. God did not care about me. My dad didn’t care, and neither did my step-dad.

My path only got darker from then on.

Now, I watch my husband with our children. He is patient, loving, playful, stern, and protective. He is restoring my view of what a father is supposed to be. I feel childish, but I still desperately wish I had a dad to turn to. A dad who shows me love and compassion and guidance. I love my mom and I can talk to her about anything and everything. And I do, but she’s not a dad.

Fathers out there, I encourage you to watch this movie. It is a religious movie, but it has a powerful message about the importance of being a good father. You don’t want your little girls to go down the path I did. It is a dark and lonely path.

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