Unseen Forces are Working Against Me

Warning: If you struggle with infertility I urge you to go no further in this post. Some things I say may upset/anger/offend you and that is not my intent.

I feel as though there are unseen forces who are working against me in my efforts to get my tubes tied. For two years I’ve been trying.

When I was pregnant with my second child I was in constant pain every day since I was 16 weeks along. He had positioned himself right on my sciatic nerve. I was working part time as a cashier at a popular department store so I was on my feet a LOT and I was suffering a LOT. Then when I came home I had more work to do; cooking, cleaning, caring for our daughter, laundry, etc. My husband was working ridiculous hours so most everything fell on me. I was miserable.

After I had my son I assumed things would get better, but my back pain didn’t go away. I was so miserable throughout most of my pregnancy that I decided I never wanted to be pregnant again. I didn’t really have a discussion with my husband about it, which I feel bad for that, but this is my body and I’m the one who has to carry the child, not him, so whatever he would have said would have gone in one ear and out the other anyway.

I fought with the doctors, but they all said because of my age (25 then) and the fact that I “only have two children” they didn’t want to tie my tubes. I still continued to fight, but when my son was six months old I became pregnant with my third child, second son. I fell into a dark depression. I barely remember much from that period, only that I was in constant pain (physical and emotional) and feeling guilty over being miserable about having another baby. I was worried that when he came into the world I would have a bad case of postpartum depression. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t have it with my other two.

For me, pregnancy is a total invasion of privacy. Doctors constantly shoving foreign objects up my vagina, I feel like I’m advertising to the world that my husband and I had sex, and (this is going to sound very selfish) I have to stop eating and drinking certain things because it’s not good for the baby. Not just for nine months either, but for however long it takes them to ween.

After I had my second son, I’ve been fighting, yet again, to get my tubes tied. Pleading my case that it’s not about not wanting more children, I just never want to be pregnant ever again. If my husband and I decide we want more kids, we can adopt. I’m perfectly fine with that, but I can’t handle pregnancy again.

I’m also thoroughly upset that my husband is so unwilling to get a vasectomy, but it’s his body and he has a right to not want that done. But why does everything have to fall on me? I’ve given him three beautiful children. I’ve been in unbelievable pain bringing them into the world, and after my last one I suffered from Pubic Symphysis which didn’t go away until two months ago. I’ve been through so much, why can’t he be willing to do this for me?

I love my children. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They drive me crazy, but they are my reason for waking up every morning, they are my inspiration, they are my heart. I want to give them the best possible life, which is a challenge when I’m so often consumed by invisible baggage.

I’ve made several appointments with doctors for a tubal ligation consult and three of them have been cancelled and rescheduled. Now I have one set for next week and my husband informs me he has a gun qualification he needs to go to that same day. I am so twisted up inside with anger, fear, and sadness I just don’t even know how to handle myself. I feel like I’m doomed to get pregnant again. The pill doesn’t work for me, I was on the DepoProvera shot, but that things messed with my hormones just as bad if not worse than pregnancy. And condoms… well that’s how my latest came to be.

I’m so angry and frustrated, and my husband is not helping.

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