Wrote a Letter to My Husband

This letter was not a sweet love letter. It was a rant. I was so frustrated and it just boiled over. It wasn’t a mean, nasty letter though, just a cry for help. Literally.

I wrote it in the midst of my anger. I know, I know, that’s a no-no, but my hands found a pen and paper soon followed and next thing I knew I wrote a letter and before I could second guess myself, I put it in his office and shut the door.

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I put the letter out of my mind because he needed to read what I had to say. I worried how he would react because he doesn’t do well when it comes to feelings. Surprisingly he reacted better than I expected. The letter seemed to help some (that’s assuming he could actually read it [I have messy handwriting that only gets worse when I’m upset]).

Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to improve what we effed up today.

Trick or Treat!

I hope everyone had a fun and safe Halloween. We got sprinkled on, but that did not discourage our little pirate fairy or ninja turtle. Batman wasn’t too happy, but he was in a stroller the whole time so he got over it lol. Our dog was SUPER excited until she got wet and no one stopped to pet her, then she just sulked until we got back home.

I got asked a few times what my costume was. I’m wearing yoga pants, my husband’s hoodie, and my hair up in my classic messy bun. I told everyone I was “Mombie”. Damn, I should have brought a coffee mug.

Anywho, again, I hope you guys had fun and stayed safe. Don’t eat any candy that looks like it was tampered with. You just never know these days.

Troubles with My Littlest

I took my littlest one to the doctor today. He’s fallen below the growth chart for his weight. All my kids have been “problem children” in this department because they’re tall and skinny and were mostly breastfed. My supply has never been very good so I’d have to supplement formula. Anyway, as for my little guy’s weight he’s a bit different than the others. He’ll eat whatever I give him pretty much whenever I give it to him. It seems like he’s always hungry and he poops 5-6 times a freaking day! So I’m like, what the heck?

The doctor’s thoughts are that his body isn’t absorbing the necessary amount of nutrients from what he’s eating which accounts for both the lack of weight gain and numerous poops.

I feel so terrible. Am I doing something wrong? I give him 3-4 bottles a day (4-6oz) and I feed him 3 times a day with snacks in between. This kid is eating all the time. This stresses me out so bad, I always feel like I’m failing my kids in one way or another.

Other than his low weight though, his doctor says clearly a happy and healthy baby. Hopefully we’ll get answers soon so we can get his weight up.

The icing on the cake of all this mess, he got three shots today 😥 one of which being the flu shot and I think it’s making him not feel so good. *sigh* poor, sweet boy.

Attack from an Eight-Legged Freak!

After my doctor appointment I had some errands to take care of on base. By time I was done it was heavy traffic time to leave base. I’m at the very back of the line.

It was a really lovely day today, so I had my music turned up and my windows rolled down. All was going so well when suddenly I see this…this THING scurry so fast down the windshield directly in front of me! at first I thought it was inside and about to drop down in my lap so, naturally, I let out a terrified, blood curdling scream. There were two uniformed men walking just ahead and they looked back at me and asked if I was ok. To terrified to take my eyes off the spider, but HIGHLY embarrassed they actually heard me scream, I sheepishly call out, “I’m fine!” in a cracking voice that sounds like it’s coming from a prepubescent boy rather than a grown woman.

For what seemed like an eternity (but really I think it was roughly two seconds) I started at the creature, willing it to die right before my eyes when, suddenly, I had a stroke of genius! I’ll turn on the wipers with the wiper fluid! So I turned on the wipers, but I turned it the wrong way so no fluid came out. Well, this just pissed the creepy-crawly off and he headed right for my open window. With another terrified scream I pull up on the button so the automatic window would come up. I’m sweating bullets because this window is not going up fast enough. Had it been a manual window I could have had it up in no time.

Finally with window closed, but it looked like the spider may have come inside! I feel I should remind you, I am in very slow moving traffic, but the traffic is moving so I’m trying to do all this while controlling a vehicle. I’m freaking out trying to inspect to see if the creeper is inside and then he DISAPPEARED! I had a moment of panic, but then realized thats a good sign, it means he’s outside. I keep looking back at the window to see if I can see any signs of the spider, but I never do. When I got home and it was time for me to get out of the car I squealed as I got out as quickly as I could, slammed the door, then high-tailed it to my front door.

I need for it to snow now so these freaking things will leave me the hell alone!

YES!!! Wait a minute….Dammit

Good news, I (finally) met with the doctor and she has agreed to tie my tubes. I explained everything to her, she asked me a few questions just to be sure I’m 100% informed and ready for this procedure and with no issue she agreed. FINALLY! It only took two effing years!!

Bad news, the earliest availability for my surgery isn’t until mid January. We might get transferred before my surgery date…

But there is a small chance we’ll still be here. We won’t know anything for about two more weeks, so prepare yourselves for some erratic behavior from me because I don’t know how much more back and forth BS I can take.

The Joys of Little Boys

My two year old son walked in on Daddy going potty the other day. This is the first time he’s seen Daddy do it and this was his reaction (according to my husband):

Son: Daddy, spill? Oh no! Spill!!
(walks over closer to Daddy and sees what’s really happening)
Daddy….(points at the source then to the toilet then back to the source) Water? Daddy spill water!

He’s been sitting on his potty to pee, or at least try to pee, but yesterday when he told me he needed to potty he just stood in front of his potty. The look on his face was like he was waiting for something magical to happen lol. Potty training a boy is a totally different world compared to potty training a girl.

I’m Alone Yet Not Alone

I know I’m not alone in the struggle with depression. So many others out there feel the same weight I do, but in my house, I am the only one.

My husband claims his family never gave him the option to be depressed. That they kept him too busy. Honestly I think he’s just been suppressing everything for so long he doesn’t really feel much. His whole family is a mass suppression of emotions, unless they’re pissed then you’ll feel their wrath and it will go on for an eternity. Regardless, my husband has no idea what I’m talking about when I try to describe to him why I’m crying or angry for no reason. Why, despite it being a good day, I’m still miserable.

I know he doesn’t mean to, but when he reacts like what I’m going through is something I just need to get over, he only invalidates my feelings. Then I begin to feel stupid because I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling, it’s not logical or rational so I just need to stop feeling them. It only sends me further into the abyss.

No matter how hard I try to make it a good day, to enjoy the little things, to have fun, when I’m in the throws of my depression I am simply powerless to stop it. I do my best just to wait it out and hope it will be a short ride this time.

My children don’t understand why Mommy is upset, my husband just doesn’t get any of it, and my friends just don’t have a clue. I don’t allow myself to show them what’s behind my mask.

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Even after two years of therapy I am still very broken on the inside. I am easily hurt, but I hold it inside because I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings. I don’t like stepping on toes, I don’t like conflict. I avoid it like the plague. I get angered too easily and when I’m angry I can’t think straight, I forget my point and I sound like an idiot because I’m fumbling over my words. I am so much better with the written word because I have time to think about what I want to say and I can edit it before it’s seen by the public.

I hurt so badly. My brain is shrouded in darkness, gore, and panic, my heart beats so fast and so hard I’m exhausted before I even do anything, and my core just doesn’t even want to exist. I wish I could just fade away, but that thought breaks me heart because I want to see my kids grow. I have dreams and goals I want to see through, but dammit some days it’s just too fucking hard to keep trucking through life this way! I’m not a bulldozer.

I also feel like shit because my daughter, who is four, told my husband and I that she wants a baby sister. I told her Mommy wasn’t going to have any more babies and she was so hurt and upset by my words. I told her she’s got her dollies to look after and dress up and she just looked at me as though I slapped her in the face. “It’s not the same!” she bawled. *Sigh* I can’t please anyone these days.